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AEW’s Women‘s Division finds itself in a really weird place right now. For the past year and a half or so it’s felt like an afterthought and sorely lacking any attention at all. Now AEW have set up a huge USA vs. Japan 16-women tournament thats got a lot of hype to it, but Shida has been featured on TV barely at all since Double or Nothing still. The talent has improved a lot and they got a great core now with some very good homegrown stars like Nyla Rose, Anna Jay, Abadon, Britt Baker, Leyla Hirsch, Tay Conti etc. So my mission is to take this potential and fully capitalise on it. First we start in present day, and as part of the prompt all disappointing events up until now stay the same. With all that out of the way, here is how I would try and revive the AEW Women’s Championship and Division.
AEW Women’s Eliminator:
Nyla Rose vs. Abadon (February 10th, Dynamite)
Veda Scott makes her return to commentary to team with Excalibur and Tony Schiavone for our women’s eliminator matches tonight, beginning with The Native Beast, Nyla Rose, taking on...as described by Veda, “what do you even call that...” Abadon comes out and haunts Vickie Guerrero but Nyla shows no fear. They both rush each other and it’s a brawl to begin. They soon spill outside where Rose tries to take the monster down using the guardrails, before Vickie exposes the turnbuckle and she slams Abadon into those. She goes for a finisher to end it early, but Abadon counters and the fight is back on. Abadon comes back with a Low Dropkick and Enziguri before clotheslining Nyla out. She throws her into the guardrails this time before setting Rose up on the apron, hanging over the ropes. She dives with a Leg Drop but Nyla moves and she lands flat on the mat. Nyla then hits a Guillotine Knee Drop but only gets a two count. She goes for an Avalanche Powerbomb to end it, but Abadon counters into a Super Rana and lifts both legs of Nyla up to pin her down, 1...2....3. Afterwards Nyla pushes Vickie off when she goes to speak with her.
Abadon defeats Nyla Rose (12:11)
Thunder Rosa vs. Britt Baker (February 10th, Dynamite)
A rematch between these two women here as we unfinished business solved. The match starts with a Big Boot from behind by Baker and from there it’s off to the races. Reba gets a cheap shot from outside after Britt Irish whips Rosa and she keeps going. A roll up is kicked out of but she then flattens Rosa once more. Britt takes it outside where she goes to introduce Rosa to the ring post, but Rosa counters and knocks Britt in instead. She now comes back and uses Reba as a weapon, ducking another shot from her so she hits Britt. Rosa takes a dive to the outside into both men and the fight continues. Britt comes back with some shots to the midsection before taking it outside again, hitting a Snap Suplex onto the floor. That is kicked out of as Rosa flips Britt two birds and throws her around. Baker connects an elbow shot to avoid another flying attack, and goes for a Superplex, but Rosa turns it into an Avalanche Fire Thunder Driver to win and advance. Afterwards she raises her hand and wipes her busted lip, looking deep into the hard cam as Baker is down and out.
Thunder Rosa defeats Britt Baker (10:59)
We see the first segment of Hikaru Shida on this episode, a four part series leading up to Revolution. She is in Japan currently so they are filmed from the Ice Ribbon Dojo. This particular one begins with Shida walking around watching the girls train, and coaching as she looks on. She says in English “they are talented. They will become superstar.” We then move over to a tatami (traditional Japanese room, small with wooden walls, a paper sliding door, no windows etc.) There she sits down and is interviewed about her career with the assist of subtitles. She speaks of her training and relates to the girls she just saw there. She explains how much Ice Ribbon means to her and she’s excited to see their representation in the tournament. It closes with her about her finals days in Japan. She starts to talk about AEW, but it fades out and ends with a “To be continued...”
Leyla Hirsch vs. Riho (February 17th, Dynamite)
Riho returns to AEW for the first time in nearly a full year and is excited to be back in action, but she’s got some steep competition in her corner. Legit Leyla Hirsch walks out ready to kick some ass and take names, throwing the towel on her shoulders into the crowd as she walks and laughing at Riho. “She’s like the size of Leyla’s leg.” Veda says. Tony jumps to Riho’s defence we’ve seen her topple bigger and badder in AEW before, but we’ll have to wait and see. Leyla starts off dominant as she keeps Riho down with her submissions and MMA holds. Riho on occasions looks to mount a comeback but she keeps being knocked back down. Despite this, she keeps getting back up. Out of nowhere she gets a roll up on Leyla to stun her, before a Dropkick knocks her outside. She then does a Flying Crossbody to the floor! The fight is on. Riho uses high speed to fight against the power of Leyla. Hirsch goes for a dangerous Lariat but Riho ducks and hits a Headscissors into an O’Connor Roll to pin and win.
Riho defeats Leyla Hirsch (12:45)
After the match, Tony Schiavone tries to grab an interview with Riho about her win and how it feels to be back. She goes to speak, WHEN SHE’S ATTACKED BY TWO WOMEN! Leyla Hirsch walks up and puts both arms over their shoulders, as commentary reveal it to be Killer Kelly and Lindsay Snow! Excalibur says these two women took part in the Bloodsport Women’s Tournament with Leyla Hirsch months ago, and now they’re here in AEW! Leyla hugs them both Andrew all stand over Riho and walk off.
We then see the next part of Hikaru Shida’s video series. This time begins with her training with some wrestlers, and giving feedback before we go back to the tatami. She says she thinks the girls can be big once more, and name drops a few in particular that she sees as the best. She’s then asked if they could ever expand out of Japan like herself. Shida then leads this off into saying it’s not an easy thing to do. The girls can do it but she did it herself and it’s tough. She then talks about moving to America about a year and a half ago and how she’s felt, how she’s adapted, and what AEW means to her. She details how much it means to her to be here in America and holding the most important title in the world to her. She set out to break boundaries and prove she is the best to the American audience, and she did, having held the title for 9 months. She’s now observing who’s going to stop her, but despite the immense talent - nobody is like her.
Anna Jay vs. Tay Conti (February 17th, Dynamite)
Two best friends clash, with Tay Conti and Anna Jay taking part to face in the next round. Tay offers a handshake but Anna looks away to ignore it. This leaves a bad taste in Tay’s mouth but she pushes on. They lock up and it’s intense, until Tay gains the upper hand. She uses her Judo background to dominate until she tries a Tayogoshi. Anna gets out and gets the cut off. She wrestles with a lot of aggression to the point commentary question that these two women are partners. Anna shows no mercy against Tay with some brutal offence. Conti eventually comes back and applies some vicious submission holds. Tay comes back with a Jumping Knee before a Bicycle Kick off the apron. Anna then hits her with a slam onto the apron and keeps the aggression going. In the climax of the match we saw Tay grab hold of Anna by the wrist and cling on, as they fall forward in exhaustion and rest over each other’s shoulders. Tay wraps an arm around and they hug, until Anna hugs back as she slowly lifts Tay up. They stare into each other’s eyes, continuing to breath heavy, ONLY FOR CONTI TO HIT A BRAZILIAN KICK!! PINS AND WINS!!
Tay Conti defeats Anna Jay (10:47)
Yuka Sakazaki vs. Mei Suruga (February 15th, Super 16)
Exclusively on AEW’s YouTube channel, “The Super 16” is presented live from the Ice Ribbon Dojo. Yuka Sakazaki is someone that AEW fans are familiar with from her various matches on PPV and Dynamite. Since her last AEW appearance she has added more muscle, she's expanded her moveset, and she lost TJPW's top title. Mei Suruga meanwhile is one the smallest and least experienced wrestler in the tournament, being one of Emi Sakura’s many students. She managed to get a clean one on one victory over Hikaru Shida right before Shida left Japan. She's a 21 year old prodigy who's status reaches beyond her experience level. She has Riho’s style mixed with Emi’s influence, for a brief summary. This is a high speed match up, a common style in Joshi, as the two women fly around each other with high risk offence. Yuka does a Springboard to the outside, over the guardrail to take Mei out for a good bit. She mounts a comeback and goes for a finisher to end it, but The Magical Girl reverses and pins to advance forward.
Yuka Sakazaki defeats Mei Suruga (08:46)
VENY vs. Emi Sakura (February 15th, Super 16)
VENY is someone some of you might know as Asuka. No not that Asuka, back in Japan WWE Asuka was known as Kana and the woman now called VENY is now known as Asuka. VENY is a favourite of mine. She can do damn near anything in the ring, she's extremely charismatic, and is in her prime as one of the top indie wrestlers in Japan."Veny" was supposed to debut in America during Wrestlemania weekend 2020, but the pandemic put a stop to that. This tournament is going to be her introduction to western fans. Meanwhile Emi Sakura is someone AEW fans probably know after her match with Riho at Full Gear. Since her last AEW appearance, she's been surviving the pandemic in her own little corner of the wrestling world by regularly producing Youtube wrestling shows(ChocoPro). In recent months, she's been slimming down to more of her natural weight which helps her with speed and her noted back problems. She’s now faster and better than when AEW fans last saw her. This is a technical match up with the two women indulging a game of wits, trading submissions and holds. She goes to use her new found quickness but VENY matches ever at that and puts her down to advance forward.
VENY defeats Emi Sakura (14:32)
Maki Itoh vs. Ryo Mizunami (February 15th, Super 16)
Maki Itoh is one of my favourite wrestlers right now and that’s not a joke. She’s the most popular wrestler in the field and someone that Joshi fans have been waiting to see crossover to the west more often for the last couple of years. She's insanely charismatic. She's a limited athlete, but she's an excellent storyteller and shines in singles matches. She’s only worked Mania weekend in the States so far but we’re hoping to see that change. Mizunami then has worked AEW before, but that was such a long time ago that AEW fans have probably forgotten her. She's a veteran with an extremely high level of charisma and she will chop the soul out of you. Primarily a brawler, but also has that charisma to work this kind of match. This is set to be our character matchup as Maki and Ryo square up, with Itoh crediting herself as “I AM DEITY OF SHIT”. She credits “Cornette-san” as her biggest fan. They then go at it. Ryo dominates Itoh until the comeback, when she catches Mizunami out of nowhere with a Flying Hurricanerana to win.
Maki Itoh defeats Ryo Mizunami (08:41)
Aja Kong vs. Rin Kadokura (February 15th, Super 16)
Main event of the evening and it’s looking like a doozy folks. First we have Aja Kong, easily the most legendary name in the tournament. She's 34 years into her career and still going. While we aren’t expecting to see the Kong that was battling Bull Nakano in the 90s, she is still a very smart veteran and she is still willing to taking some crazy bumps in the right occasion. She’s wrestled in both WWF (Survivor Series 1995) and AEW (Double or Nothing 2019) so she’s no stranger to the big stage. Rin meanwhile is most comparable to Shibata. She doesn't have a huge western fanbase, and she's not a big personality, but she's the Joshi version of "a wrestler's wrestler" and is capable of having the best match of the tournament. She comes Marvelous who are basically the Ring of Honor of Joshi. They are more physical and technically sound than TJPW or Ice Ribbon. Rin and Aja have a stiff and brutal matchup with terrifying strikes from the two women. Aja keeps kicking out of what’s thrown at her, not allowing to go down to a younger girl. Aja misses a Senton off the apron and hits the floor which allows Kadokura to win. Afterwards they hug as we fade to black.
Rin Kadokura defeats Aja Kong (15:22)
Quarter-Finals:
Riho vs. Tay Conti (February 24th, Dynamite)
Into the quarter finals we go as Revolution is fast approaching, and kicking it off is these two women. Both are top babyfaces, with Conti having just come out of her emotional war with Anna Jay and Riho suffering at the hands of Leyla Hirsch’s squad. They shake hands to begin and we’re set. Tay has expressed interest in wrestling in Japan before, so this is her forte into the Joshi world. Once everything’s back to normal I’d really like to see her hold the SWA World Championship in Stardom, and potentially face Riho again for it. Riho uses her speed to take Tay down, at one point dropkicking her off the apron and she falls into the guardrail, where Anna Jay sits. Anna looks at her coldly as Tay gets back up, ONLY TO BE HIT BY A BACKSTABBER BY RIHO! SHE COVERS AND WINS!! Riho advances forward to the semi-finals, while Conti stares back, equally as cold, at Anna Jay.
Riho defeats Tay Conti (07:01)
We see the third segment of Hikaru Shida in her tatami speaking of her story. She goes into detail about Corona hitting and being stuck in America, and how she felt about that. She says all that mattered then was the AEW Women’s World Championship. So much stuff was happening back home in Japan in the Joshi world (death of Hana Kimura), and she needed to topple The Beast, Nyla Rose. She describes the match, says it’s the most physical she’s ever been in, describing each painful bump and how after every move she was more worn down. But she refused to lose, and came out on top. Since then she’s carried this belt, and hadn’t dropped it. Despite the level of talent in the Super 16, no one has the talent to defeat her.
Abadon vs. Thunder Rosa (February 24th, Dynamite)
Last quarter final now, with the winner going on to face Riho in the semi’s. Thunder Rosa - having defeated Britt Baker, and Abadon - having defeated Nyla Rose. Abadon screams at Rosa to begin but she’s unphased, shouting back and the two meet forehead to forehead. They then start trading shots as the match begins. It spills outside where they continue to brawl messily. Abadon hits a Bloodline onto the floor followed by some biting. She goes for a Twist of Hate on the apron, but Rosa counters into a Cutter! They both sell before going back inside. Abadon runs for a Spear but when it’s leapfrogged, she hits a Headbutt and then runs the ropes again. She connects the Spead this time and covers, but it’s kicked out of. They go back outside where they fight up the ramp. Rosa dives with a Double Foot Stomp before they head up to the announce table. They fight there, and Rosa hits an Inverted DDT on it. Abadon rolls into the announcers chairs and lays there. Once back in, Rosa goes for a Snake Sleeper, but Abadon kicks her leg back and fights back. She throws Rosa into the ring post to bust her open. She calls for a Gravedigger, BUT ITS REVERSED INTO A FIRE THUNDER DRIVER!! ROSA PINS AND GOES TO SEMIS!!
Thunder Rosa defeats Abadon (16:11)
Maki Itoh vs. VENY (February 22nd, Super 16)
Heading into the Japan half of the quarter finals, we travel across the Pacific to the Ice Ribbon dojo once more. Itoh talks shit before the bell as VENY stands stone faced wondering what’s she did in a past life to be in the opposite corner of this. She goes to speak about Cornette-san once more but VENY cuts her off and the match has begun. She dominates the early stages until Maki out of nowhere counters a Suplex into a Falling DDT. She hits a Dropkick off the apron and VENY eats shit. Maki applies a Boston Crab, but VENY gets the ropes and flips Itoh out. She big boots her and is back on the offence. They take it to the apron where Itoh goes to pick VENY up, but VENY knocks her down and they roll back inside. Maki goes for a Ito Special but it’s reversed, and VENY goes for a Powerbomb. Itoh reverses that into a Itoh Royale, which is kicked out and they double down with stereo dropkicks. Maki climbs the top ropes for a Diving Headbutt, but VENY quickly runs up and hits a Superplex. She pins and wins to advance forward into the semis.
VENY defeats Maki Itoh (09:18)
Rin Kadokura vs. Yuka Sakazaki (February 22nd, Super 16)
Yuka runs around Rin to begin with, using her quickness to avoid being caught by any strikes or holds. This proves unsuccessful as after running the ropes for a Flying Shoulder Tackle, she’s hit with a stiff elbow in midair to knock Yuka down. This is the cut off as she dominates from this point forward. Rin goes for a Meteora from the middle ropes, BUT YUKA HITS A FRONT DROPKICK OUT OF MIDAIR!! She scales the top ropes and FLIES WITH A CROSSBODY!! KICK OUT! Yuka continues to run circles before taking Rin to the apron. She then jumps from inside, over the ropes, WITH A HURRICANERANA TO THE FLOOR!! The Magical Girl is back in action as she hits a Baseball Slide Dropkick into the railings. She rolls out to grab Kadokura but Rin throws her into the guardrails instead. She takes control back and does a Lala Histro Cradle into a Cross Armbreaker but Yuka gets a foot on the ropes. She manages to rally up for a huge flurry of offence to take Rin down and cover after a Magical Girl Splash, 1.......2......3! She’s going to the semi-finals where she will face VENY.
Yuka Sakazaki defeats Rin Kadokura (11:45)
We get a live performance from the Itoh Respect Army - Maki Itoh and Mizuki perform live in living colour a rock idol anthem. This gives Yuka a rest before the main event of the evening, the Semi-Finals match between Yuka Sakazaki and VENY. Itoh and Mizuki hype everyone up with the performance ahead of the big match, before the music stops and they leave. That’s when VENY walks out.
Semi-Finals:
VENY vs. Yuka Sakazaki (February 22nd, Super 16)
She walks down menacingly with pure seriousness on her face. There is no fucking around here. She’s winning this tournament. Yuka meanwhile is as happy as can be. Yuka high fives everyone and jumps down in joy. They shake hands, but immediately after the bell rings VENY immediately kicks Yuka down and dominates. Yuka is tired while VENY is relatively fresh having only wrestled the opener. She dominates until it heads to the outside. She goes to slam Yuka into the railings, but Sakazaki reverses and dumps her over. She then hits a Springboard Flying Seated Senton, over the railings, into VENY. She mounts her comeback and hits for the Magical Girl Splash, BUT ITS KICKED OUT OF! Yuka starts having to match VENY’s strikes, as once VENY starts laying them in, Yuka becomes impervious to pain and fights back with her own. It turns into a slugfest here, but after a Diving Double Foot Stomp from Yuka only gets two she’s out of options. VENY capitalises here and looks to finish with a Powerbomb, BUT ITS TURNED INTO A FRANKENSTEINER! MAGICAL GIRL SPLASH! YUKA IS GOING TO THE FINALS!!
Yuka Sakazaki defeats VENY (19:21)
On March 3rd, Dynamite, we see the final of Hikaru’s segment, starting with her rolling a suitcase while wearing a mask as she walks to her plane back to America. We go back to the tatami where she’s asked about Revolution, and what she thinks of Yuka Sakazaki. She speaks on her before being asked about Riho and Thunder Rosa. She speaks about Rosa and their feud, saying she’s beaten her before though at last years All Out. The interviewer asks about the All Out the year before that. Who did she face then. Did she win? Shida seems insulted by that but keeps going, saying Riho got the better of her. But while she’s spent the past year back home, she made a new home - AEW. And she is now the queen of that home, and no amount of Riho will stop.
Riho vs. Thunder Rosa (March 3rd, Dynamite)
We’ve reached our American semi-finals, and 5 days after Yuka Sakazaki’s defeat of VENY - Riho and Thuhder Rosa are set to main event Dynamite. On Saturday Night then, the day before Revolution, we will see the Super 16 Finals streamed on YouTube between Yuka Sakazaki and the winner of this match, with the winner going on to face Hikaru Shida at Revolution. The match starts physical and doesn’t slow down. They go to the mat straight away and trade submission attempts. Rosa then dominates until Riho counters out of a corner charge with a roll up only to get two. Rosa punishes Riho using the ring post. Riho fights back though as she flies off the apron and uses speed to keep Rosa down. She goes for a springboard but is caught midair. Rosa then starts to kick the shit out of Riho, striking her repeatedly. It spills to the floor where Riho mounts a comeback, utilising the ring post to her own advantage this time. With Rosa tied up in the post, Riho runs off the apron with a Double Foot Stomp to the back. It goes into back and forth inside the ring, before Riho flies out once more. Rosa is up first and sets up a table, before they go back inside. Commentary note the No DQ on the outside rule. RIHO HITS A DOUBLE FOOT STOMP TO ROSA OFF THE APRON THROUGH THE TABLE!! They’re both out now, but while down, OUT COMES BRITT BAKER!! SHE HITS ROSA WITH A CHAIR! Riho doesn’t notice as she takes her back inside and covers to win! Britt walks off with a smile on her face, and waves at a fuming Rosa.
Riho defeats Thunder Rosa (23:41)
Finals:
Riho vs. Yuka Sakazaki (March 6th, Super 16)
The Magical Girl comes down happy as ever, high fiving and hugging fans and running circles around the ring in ecstasy. Riho then comes out in her signature dress and also with an umbrella with the Imperial Japanese Flag designed on it. Both women offer their hands to each other, and both embrace before locking up. A collar and elbow is engaged and maintained, Yuka breaks the chains by connecting a Dropkick, followed by another Basement Dropkick! Riho ducks a Lariat attempt and runs the ropes, performing a dizzying array of spins before landing the Tornado DDT! 1.....2....Yuka kicks out! Yuka runs the ropes and hits a Seated Senton in the centre of the ring. She goes for a cover but Riho kicks out. Riho takes Yuka down with a Half Crab. Yuka winces in pain and cries in agony but throws Riho off her leg. Yuka then hits a Slingblade and rolls to the outside.
Riho connects a Baseball Slide Dropkick through the both ropes, before lifting Yuka up and hitting an incredible Deadlift Suplex into the middle of the ring. Excalibur makes note of Riho being 98 lbs so that feat of strength is truly incredible. Yuka connects an Enziguri and begins a Three Amigos. Riho flips out of the last one and hits a Roundhouse Kick followed by Double Foot Stomp! She covers, 1.......2....Kick Out! Riho seems annoyed at this and takes Yuka to the corner. They trade elbows for a bit before Yuka swaps them around and hits a Roundhouse Kick! She then takes Riho to the top turnbuckle. Yuka attempts to hit a Avalanche Butterfly Suplex, but Riho doesn’t move. Riho shoves Yuka onto the apron and Yuka grabs her back in pain. Riho then hits a Diving Double Foot Stomp onto the apron! That receives a holy shit chant as Riho throws her back into the ring and goes to cover.
Yuka rolls into a Fujiwara Armbar! She channels her inner Zack Sabre Jr. and begins to stomp on Riho’s head as she has the submission locked in. Riho rolls forward into a School Boy but Yuka kicks out. Yuka rolls back but is met by a Basement Dropkick! Riho then hits a Northern Lights Suplex! She goes to cover but Yuka rolls out. Yuka whips Riho to the apron. She hits a Dragon Screw on the ropes and connects a Baseball Slide Dropkick! Yuka goes for a Half and Half Suplex on the apron, but Riho gets out and hits a Belly to Back Suplex! Right on the hardest part of the ring as Yuka sells the pain. Riho rolls back into the ring, but is met by a Springboard Front Missile Dropkick by Yuka! Yuka then heads to the top ropes and does a magical pose, Diving Double Foot Stomp! 1........2.....KICK OUT!!! Yuka is now desperate and decides, “fuck it”, and begins a frenzy of attacks.
Any and everything used. Yuka hits a Running Meteora! She goes for another but Riho catches with an Enziguri and then hits a Running Double Foot Stomp! She picks Yuka up and hits a German Suplex but Yuka lands on her feet; Half and Half Suplex! Yuka hits a Slingblade and begins a series of Daniel Bryan like Roundhouses, with a few yes chants thrown in from the audience. She keeps going until Riho ducks one and hits a Bicycle Knee! Yuka responds with a Bicycle Kick! Riho hits an Impaler DDT!!! She gets the crowd going and goes for an Exploder Suplex, but Yuka counters into a Backbody Drop! Yuka then hits the Exploder Suplex followed by a Pendelum Kick! She takes Riho to the top ropes and goes for an Avalanche Butterfly Suplex! RIHO COUNTERS MIDAIR IN A ROLL UP!! 1......2.....3!!!! Riho is going to face Hikaru Shida tomorrow night for the AEW Women’s World Championship!
Riho defeats Yuka Sakazaki (10:17)
AEW Revolution 2021:
Anna Jay vs. Britt Baker vs. Tay Conti vs. Thunder Rosa - Four-way Match
AEW’s Women’s International Eliminator Tournament has come and gone, and with it many women have some grudges held. Thunder Rosa was cost the semi-finals with Riho after Britt Baker interference. This is of course, due to Rosa beating Britt in the First Round. Also, Anna Jay and Tay Conti faced in the First Round where Conti was successful. That drove a wedge between them as we’ve seen. There is enough tension where we need a resolution, and so they’re all put into a match together - whoever is the best comes out on top. The Four-way is made for Revolution, with the winner set to be Shida or Riho’s next challenger in the coming weeks. However before the match, we see Brandi Rhodes come out for the first time in 2 months. She has a mic in hand and says that two years ago there was a similar multi-women match set. That was the during the genesis of AEW. A three-way became a four-way. Now we know how talented of a roster the AEW Women’s Division is, but what if it could be blustered?
Well she’s got the perfect solution to that. How could she make this match even more stacked however? Easy answer, add another women. But not just any women...a Virtuosa. So with a little helping hand, she’s secured someone to really put up a fight. Outcomes Deonna Purazzo. The current Knockouts Champion makes her way out and joins the fray. The crowd applaud loudly at the surprise arrival, as this match is now made a Five-way. Immediately the beefing girls go for each other, Britt and Rosa and Tay and Anna. Deonna meanwhile just picks people off, playing it smart and looking for the win. She’s not fuelled by animosity like the rest, she is just being intelligent. We see the rest of the women all take themselves out to the point Britt turns around into a Jumping DDT and Fujiwara Armbar. She taps out and Purazzo wins the match. She takes the mic afterwards and hoists her Knockouts Championship high. “Who’s ready for a Battle of the Belts?” she says before leaving.
Deonna Purazzo defeats Anna Jay, Britt Baker, Tay Conti and Thunder Rosa (11:17)
Hikaru Shida (c) vs. Riho - AEW Women’s World Championship
We’ve seen the whole tournament so far and the mini-doc of Hikaru Shida. It’s the first majorly built AEW Women’s Championship PPV match...ever, so it’s got some expectations on its shoulders. Shida walks out wearing her attire from the AEW video game trailer, pointed out by Excalibur. Riho is just coming off a match from last night while Shida hasn’t wrestled in nearly a month, so she is fully in control early on. She busts out some early signature moves so the audience get a groove of her once more since it’s been a minute. They go outside where Riho starts to come back and from there it’s back and forth. They recreate the finishing sequence that won it for Riho last time, ending with Riho getting a roll up originally, but this time Shida kicks out! They then keep going as Riho kicks out of a few more moves by Hikaru. Riho goes for a Diving Double Foot Stomp, but she’s hit midair and then by a Tamashii no Three Count! KICK OUT!! They keep fighting as Riho once more tries for the finishing sequence that won it for her last time, but this time it ends when Shida lifts her into a Falcon Arrow! 1..............2..............3!! She wins and retains!
Hikaru Shida defeats Riho (14:56)
We now head into the build for Double or Nothing. However we aren’t all building towards that. See, it’s announced at Revolution a supercard of supercards is set for April 4th. The “Bloodshed Supercard” is coming up, pitting stars from AEW, NJPW, NWA and Impact against one another. The big match advertised is a Lethal Lockdown Match: pitting Kenny Omega, The Good Brothers and Kenta against Jon Moxley and Death Triangle. But also set for the show, we’ll get into detail here. Deonna Purazzo is now the #1 Contender to the AEW Women’s World Championship, and an appearance by her is advertised for the Dynamite after Revolution. She shows up and cuts a typical promo of hers on Hikaru, claiming herself the one true Virtuosa and hyping her credentials. These outmatch everything Shida has ever done, and when they face, she’ll truly outmatch her for all to see.
The match is dubbed “Battle of the Belts” after AEW trademarked that. Knockouts Champion vs. AEW Women’s World Champion. Next week Shida goes to speak, but she’s cut off by Deonna. Purazzo attacks her and beats down the rival champion. She tells Shida she should of stayed in Japan, because now she’s crossed the Pacific she’s in HER country. The Virtuosa runs the place here, and she is going to cement herself as the best champion in the entire country - nay, the world. Later in the night when asked about how she felt of the attack, Hikaru says “Next Tuesday. Impact Wrestling. Watch me.” before leaving. Then, on Impact, we see Hikaru come out after a Ten-person Knockouts Tag Team Match. She looks around with her title, and walks over to the captain of the winning team, Kiera Hogan. She shakes her hand and points back and forth between the two. Kiera vs. Shida is sanctioned for next week on Impact.
They face, but due to Hikaru now being in Deonna’s house, she makes her presence known with an attack. Part of rebuilding the Women’s division is other feuds need to exist in it, so let’s touch on those. Firstly, Leyla Hirsch and her new stable, dubbing themselves “Bloodsport” have made an enemy out of Riho. The two face with the stipulation that the winner will face Serena Deeb for the NWA Women’s Championship. Hirsch wins after making Riho tap. Then in her match with Deeb, a returning Allysin Kay comes out and interferes. Deeb rolls up with her distraction. Leyla doesn’t attack Kay however. After all, she was the fourth women in that Bloodsport tournament along with Hirsch, Kelly and Snow. They offer her a spot but Allysin declines and says she just wants that NWA Women’s Championship back. A Three-way then is made, which ends with Kay pinning Deeb. She gets her title back, and afterwards, offers an embrace to Hirsch. Snow and Kelly get her to accept.
Bloodsport pose together with Allysin Kay now in their rankings, but tension between her and Hirsch is clear after Kay just took the title she’s been craving for weeks. However, they’re now a unit. Also, Anna Jay and Tay Conti. Anna takes a leadership role in The Dark Order as her and Conti slowly start patching things up. They both agree they got lost in the tournament and were drunk off the thought of glory. They hug it out and walk out together. Then, Thunder Rosa and Britt Baker. The first thing we see on Dynamite after Revolution is Thunder Rosa brutalising Britt Baker. She destroys her. She kayfabe reinjures her and puts her back on crutches. Britt doesn’t wrestle after this but has a vendetta against Rosa, and Rosa is likewise. The women all have feuds, with only one revolving around the title, and they actually get TV time on Dynamite. It’s basically just what AEW do with the guys, but the gender is changed. That’s literally how you do women’s wrestling.
Bloodshed Supercard:
Deonna Purrazzo vs. Hikaru Shida - Battle of the Belts
The singles match main event of the show, it’s the heavily anticipated “Battle of the Belts.” Shida is out first, wearing a kimono and carrying her own umbrella to the ring. She twirls it around at the hard camera in a optical illusion before walking down. Deonna is out afterwards and the Virtuosa walks with purpose, hoisting her title over Shida’s head. Hikaru hoists hers up and they meet forehead to forehead. The match the begins. Shida and Deonna trade goods and submissions on the mat before it goes outside and gets physical there. Purrazzo uses the guardrails and ring posts, before taking it to the apron. Shida hits her with a Superkick and runs the ropes inside the ring, dropkicking Purrazzo into part of the set. Once back up they have some stiff back and forth with a lot of shots and strikes to knock the other down. Both women keep kicking out however. We see many moments when Hikaru looks like she’s about to tap but resists and keeps fighting. They head outside once again where Deonna hits a Backbody Drop onto the floor. Once back inside, Shida hits a Falcon Arrow into a Tamashii no Three Count to win. Afterwards her and Deonna resiliently shake hands in respect.
Hikaru Shida defeats Deonna Purrazzo (25:10)
Heading out of Bloodshed Supercard, Britt Baker and Thunder Rosa are still battling it out. Britt is set to return to action on the April 14th edition of Dynamite, where she will face Rosa in a No Disqualification, No Countout Match. It’s a brutal bout with Britt showing the aggression she did in her Tooth and Nail Match on Rosa. She ends up winning after a chairshot and kendo stick assisted Lockjaw makes Rosa pass out. Meanwhile, Hikaru Shida continues her trail of dominance over the AEW Women’s division. She’s earned the respect of Deonna Purazzo’s who’s gonna back off to Impact. Shida cuts a promo in English after the match saying she wants more of the Knockouts, and they are an amazing group of girls. She once again faces Kiera Hogan, this time on Dynamite, with interference banned. They have a clean bout that ends with Shida once again winning. They shake hands afterwards. This is Hogan’s first AEW match and she makes a big splash, but comes up short.
Next in line is Nyla Rose, who is still with Vickie Guerrero but their relationship is going very sour. Nonetheless, as we approach a year after Hikaru took the belt from Nyla, they’re set to face one more - this time it’s 2 Out of 3 Falls. It’s an excellent bout that ends with Shida winning by falling onto Nyla after the two basically kill themselves. Nyla the next week cuts a promo on Shida, saying she wants one final shot, and if she loses - she will never challenge for the title while Shida is champion again. This is when Britt Baker gets involved and puts her stamp on the picture. She limps down on a crutch as that match with Rosa as temporarily hurt her again. She cuts a mini promo of her own, before blasting Nyla with the crutch. A #1 Contenders Match is set up, with the winner going on to face Hikaru at Double or Nothing.
Britt wins after a very hard fought and brutal contest. Afterwards, Tony Schiavone comes out and reads a letter from Brandi. She congratulates both women on the incredible match. She then announces Nyla as the first women to take part in the AEW Women’s Casino Ladder Match at Double or Nothing. In the final weeks before Double or Nothing, Britt cuts some very passionate promos about the struggle she’s went through to even become a wrestler, and as soon as she became the best thing in this company she was injured. But this time, nothing is going to stop her. She’s not going to be hindered by dentistry, not by trying to being a good guy, and not by injury. She will be victorious. Reba is banned from ringside, as if she gets involved Britt automatically loses. Baker is now fuelled by anger as she wants to take down the unstoppable Hikaru Shida.
Then, our other stories. Well the premier one is the aforementioned Women’s Casino Ladder Match. Once more it’s decided there’s too much beef amongst the AEW Women’s division, so Tony Khan’s solution is to throw nine of them into a ladder match, and whoever isn’t dead by the end gets an AEW Women’s Championship shot. And just like last time, there will be a mystery participant. Women gradually get announced via AEW’s Twitter, with Nyla Rose as the first on TV before they slowly start adding names to the field, like they did last year. Anna Jay and Tay Conti are announced together, Serena Deeb, Leyla Hirsch, Riho etc. Thunder Rosa and Abadon face once more after their epic match in the Super 16. Abadon hits a Spear into part of the stage which takes them both out and it goes to a double countout. Both women are then put into the match, with the ninth women remaining a mystery.
Double or Nothing 2021:
Abadon vs. Anna Jay vs. Leyla Hirsch vs. Nyla Rose vs. Riho vs. Serena Deeb vs. Tay Conti vs. Thunder Rosa vs. ??? - Women’s Casino Ladder Match
Serena Deeb and Nyla Rose start it off hot, Nyla trying to dominate but Deeb using her strength to counteract. Tay Conti comes in and her and Deeb come to a babyface arrangement to take the big women down. Thunder Rosa follows suit and starts to mix it up with everyone. Leyla Hirsch, Anna Jay, Riho and Abadon all come out and continue the fight. It’s multi-man chaos, with each women sabotaging the other from getting that poker chip. They all want the prize. Killer Kelly at one point tries to walk down and help out Hirsch, but Riho valiantly takes her on and brawls with her to the back. She then dives off the stage with a Crossbody into Lindsay Snow and Killer Kelly. Allysin Kay comes out and puts her through a part of the stage to take her out.
Riho comes back, freshly bruised by Kay, and looks to climb the ladder, but Anna Jay pushes her down. She then starts to taunt and mock the 9th and final entrant while she waits for them to appear...and it’s RETURNING KRIS STATLANDER! Statlander comes in and wrecks house; takes out all the people involved while the action continues. Abadon lets out a mighty scream as she goes to climb the ladder. Tay and Anna push her off and meet at the top. They then start throwing shots at each other. They all fall under Thunder Rosa pushes them off and climbs up, grabbing the poker chip and holding it high it in triumph. She now with a future AEW Women’s World Championship match locked in. She takes the mic and tells Hikaru “good luck - you’ll need it.” before dropping it and heading to the back.
Thunder Rosa wins the Women’s Casino Ladder Match (16:35)
Hikaru Shida (c) vs. Britt Baker - AEW Women’s World Championship
Baker comes out without Reba for the first time in a long time, pure determination on her face to succeed. Both women put their heart and soul into the match, pouring every last bit of fight they’ve got in. Britt gets a Lockjaw in near the end and refuses to let go when Shida grabs the ropes. The ref has to physically pull her off, ONLY FOR SHIDA TO HIT ONE FINAL TAMASHII NO THREE COUNT!! She pins and wins.
Hikaru Shida defeats Britt Baker (10:21)

A list of every Unus Annus video name

I made a list of every Unus Annus video name. Posting this here because someone wanted to see it and a comment doesn't allow more than 1000 characters.

November 15th - Unus Annus
(note- The Very Start.)

November 15th - Cooking with Sex Toys
(note- 365 Days Left)

November 16th - Purging Our Sins with a Net Pot

November 17th - Hot Dog'd to Death

November 18th - Making Our Own Sensory Deprivation Tank

November 19th - The Good Kind of Cupping

November 20th - The Bad Kind of Cupping

November 21st - The Worst Kind of Cupping

November 22nd - Ethan Will Be Kicked in the Balls

November 23rd - Doing Each Other's Makeup in the Dark

November 24th - Baby Hands Operation

November 25th - Mark and Ethan Summon a Ghost

November 26th - 2 Truths and 1 Lie -- Waxing Edition

November 27th - Poopsie Sparkly Critters (a slime surpise...)

November 28th - Play-Doh Thanksgiving

November 29th - Helium Therapy

November 30th - Drawing Memes From Memory

December 1st - 1 Man 100 Accents

December 2nd - An A.I. Predicts How We're Going to Die

December 3rd - Mark Turns Ethan into a Mummy to Prepare Him for the Great Beyond

December 4th - The Cubby Gummy Challenge

December 5th - We Buy a Professional Hypnosis Video and React To It

December 6th - Mark and Ethan Attempt and Escape Room

December 7th - Ethan Destroys Mark's Van with a Bat

December 8th - There's Still Hope...

December 9th - Ethan Gives Mark a Viking Funeral

December 10th - The Great Meat Mistake

December 11th - Acupuncture Is NOT Painful

December 12th - Floating in a Real Sensory Deprivation Tank

December 13th - Mark Reviews The Impossible Burger But There's a Looming Sense of Impending Doom
(note- Paintball gun)

December 14th - We Made Nude Pictures of Eachother

December 15th - You made Beautiful Music for The Barrel... But Only One Could Win

December 16th - We Had To Drink Each Other's Pee
(note- The first of the Pee Trilogy)

December 17th - Ethan Explores Mark's Haunted Basement

December 18th - Giving Away Our 1,000,000 Subscriber Gold Play Button

December 19th - Ethan's Relaxing and Totally Normal Naul Salon

December 20th - Taped and Afraid

December 21st - What Was The Most Painful Thing We've Ever Endured?

December 22nd - Donating Toys to charity w/ JackSepticEye

December 23rd - Harnessing Our Dogs' Unlimited Energy

December 24th - Santa's Mukbang (Drinking 1 Gallon of Eggnog)

December 25th - Forcibly Turning Mark Into Santa Claus Against His Will

December 26th - Preserving Ourselves In Wax
(note- JackSepticEye was also here!)

December 27th - Beating Inanimate Objects to Death

December 28th - Emotional Pain vs Physical Pain... Which is worse?

December 29th - Duct Tape Crusifixion (Amy, Please Don't Watch This Video)

December 30th - You Blink You Lose

December 31th - 2 Grown Men Attempt the Presidential Fitness Test

January 1st - We Took The Polar Plunge

Janurary 2nd - Hiding Out Sins from Amy's Holy Peepers

January 3rd - We Eat Bugs

January 4th - DIY Bungee Jump (Please don't try this)
(note- Disclamer Song Origin)

January 5th - We Have The BEST Thumbnails on Youtube and No One Can Tell Us Otherwise

January 6th - Who Can Make Themselves Taller?

January 7th - The Sensory Overload Tank

January 8th - Recreating Ourselves as a Cursed Mannequin

January 9th - We Took an IQ Test

January 10th - Ethan Fianlly Becomes a MAN

January 11th - Mark and Ethan Go Casket Shopping

January 12th - We Take a Lie Detector Test to Uncover Our Darkest Sins

January 13th - Learning to Breathe Underwater

January 14th - Fixing Mark's Hole with Ramen but Every Time We Add Glue We Get 5% Closer to God
(note- The hole made in the video where Mark punched a hole in the wall)

January 15th - Mark Steals Ethan's Face

January 16th - You Breathe You Die

January 17th - 2 Absolute Beginners Experience the Dancing Glory that is Salsa

January 18th - DIY Geriatric Simulator

January 19th - This Is How We'll Die...

January 20th - We Cryogenically Freeze Ourselves

January 21st - This is What Being Tased Feels Like

January 22nd - What Happens When A Youtube Channel Dies?

January 23rd - Bad Bad Beans

January 24th - We hired a Real Hypnotherapist to Analyze Our Darkest Dreams

January 25th - We Turned Our Bodies Into Art
(note- painting each other naked)

January 26th - Mark and Ethan Lean About The Human Body

January 27th - Mark Punishes Ethan

January 28th - Strange (and legal) Things You Can Do With Your Body After Death

January 29th - DIY Cheese

January 30th - Hacking The Very Fabric of the Universe

January 31st - Looking at Long Lost Memes

February 1st - Discovering the Secret to Eternal Life

February 2nd - Turning Mark Into an E-Boy

February 3rd - Ethan Redefines Male Beauty

February 4th - Professional Fire Cupping (Going Even Further Beyond)

February 5th - An Extremely Sour, Not-at-all Sour Meal

February 6th - Literally Eating Fire

February 7th - Unregulated Axe Throwing

February 8th - Literally Laying On Broken Glass

February 9th - Making an Indoor Tornado to Flex on Mother Nature

February 10th - Nutball: The Most Dangerous Game
(note- First of the Nutball Trilogy)

February 11th - Becoming a Master of Mime

February 12th - Discussing the Idea of Murdering Each Other bit It's Just a Joke and Definitely Not Serious Haha

February 13th - Are We Already Dead?

February 14th - Our Perfect (and last) Valentine's Day

February 15th - Drunk College Party Simulator

February 16th - 10 Strange Amazon Paroducts Ethan Bought Mark Because He Doesn't Know How To Spend Money Responsibly

February 17th - Chickens Teach Us About Life and Death

February 18th - 3 Big Boys Attempt the Kings Royal Fitness Test

February 19th - Being Attacked by a Fully Trained Bodyguard Dog

February 20th - Learning the Ancient Art of Chinese Archery

February 21st - The Ultimate Trolley Problem

February 22nd - Goat Yoga

February 23rd - Edible Slime was a Mistake

February 24th - Granting Acces Into Heaven's Sweet Gates

February 25th - Long Hair, Do We Dare?
(note- With Marks Quarintine Hair, yes, he did dare)

February 26th - We Wrote a Hit Pop Song in 30 Minutes

February 27th - Mark and Ethan go on a "Drum Date"

February 28th - Blowing Our Souls Into Some Hot Glass

February 29th - Top 10 Worst Things Your Friend Could Possibly Spend Their Money On

March 1st - Nutball Extreme: Taser Edition
(note- Second of the Nutball Trilogy)

March 2nd - REAL Ghost Hunting at an Abandoned Zoo

March 3rd - We Bought a Camera That Can Look Inside Us

March 4th - Becoming the World's Greatest DJs

March 5th - Who Can Teach Their Dog a Trick the Fastest?

March 6th - Middle School Science Experiment Teaches Us About Life and Death
(note- Owl pellets)

March 7th - DIY Chiropractor

March 8th - Mark and Ethan Get Into a Fight

March 9th - The Barrel - Offical Music Video

March 10th - We Got Pepper Sprayed

March 11th - We Give Each Other Tattoos Blindfolded

March 12th - What Does Astrology Say About Our Friendship?

March 13th - Mark and Ethan Get a Full Body Scan to See What Secrets Lay Hidden Within (and learn their body fat)

March 14th - Mark Needs To Rub Ethan and Only His Mom Can Help Him

March 15th - 2 Idiots Get Crushed by 18-Foot Giant Snakes

March 16th - Beer Sauna: Turning a Portable Sauna into a Portable Hell
(note- The video where Pee Sauna was first mentioned)

March 17th - Mark and Ethan Hunt The World's Most Wanted Criminals

March 18th - Unus Annus Carves the Roast Beast

March 19th - 5 Weird Apps That Predicted Our Death

March 20th - We Tried a Labor Pain Simulator

March 21st - Recreating the Miracle of Childbirth

March 22nd - Mark and Ethan Are Now Fathers

March 23rd - We Force James Charles to Run a Military Obstacle Course

March 24th - Desperately Trying To Not Touch Our Faces
(note- Start of Quarintine videos)

March 25th - Reddit 50/50: Two Player Edition

March 26th - Going on an Internet Scavenger Hunt

March 27th - Having an Adventure In VR Chat Becuase We Can't Go Outside

March 28th - Amazon Shopping for the Apocalypse

March 29th - Whom Would Eat Whomst First in a Zombie Apocalypse?

March 30th - Ultimate Youtuber Boxing Showdown

March 31st - The Deep End of Omegle: Risky Boogalo
(note- This video was deleted for an unknown reason)

April 1st - Where in the World is Unus Annus?
(note- Timer was at 401 days)

April 2nd - Mark Builds a Pillow Fort for the Very First Time

April 3rd - Mark's 1 Weird Talent Leaves Ethan Absolutely Speechless

April 4th - Wikifeet: A Tale of 2 Tootsies

April 5th - We Made Every YouTuber Battle in the Hunger Games

April 6th - We Google Each Other to Find Our Darkest Forgotten Sins

April 7th - We Played Mad Libs and Ran It Through Google Translate

April 8th - Mark and Ethan Desperately Try and Nae a Single State in the USA

April 9th - Speed Reading 1000+ WPM To Gain a Complete Understanding of All Human Knowledge

April 10th - What is the Least Viewed Video on YouTube

April 11th - We Found Websites That The World Forgot About

April 12th - The Scariest True Stories on the Internet

April 13th - How to NOT be the Perfect Boyfriend

April 14th - Mark and Ethan Find The Lost City of EL Dorado

April 15th - Mark and Ethan Bet Everything on a Wikipedia Race

April 16th - The Creepiest Videos on Youtube

April 17th - Help Us Break a YouTube World Record
(note- The birth of Norbert Moses. The video was called "Subscribe to Norbert Moses")

April 18th - 2 Men 200 Accents

April 19th - The Illuminati... Do They Really Exist?

April 20th - Using Google Maps to Find the Lost City of Atlantis

April 21st - Reading YOUR Scariest True Stories

April 22nd - Mark and Ethan Take a Personality Test

April 23rd - Will AI Soon Take Over Humanity As We Know It?

April 24th - Running Internet Drama through Google Translate

April 25th - The Secret Unus Annus NO-Touchy-Touchy Hand Shake

April 26th - Two Male Men Judge Female Women on Their Beauty

April 27th - Bored? Press This Button.

April 28th - Don't Go in the Ocean... Ever.

April 29th - We Explore the Most MYSTERIOUS Mysteries of our Wildy Mysterious Mystery Moon of Mysteries

April 30th - We Looked at Unus Annus Memes

May 1st - Is Mark a Masochist?
(note- yes.)

May 2nd - What the Hell is a Pink Trombone?

May 3rd - Professional Fetish Scientists Rank the Best/Worst Fetishes of 2020

May 4th - Mark and Ethan Desperately Attempt to Feel Something

May 5th - An A.I. Generates Out Worst Nightmare

May 6th - Are Reptilian Humanoids Living Among us?

May 7th - Like It or Not... This is What The New Human Looks Like

May 8th - Eating Only Onions for 24 Hours: How Many Onions Does it Take to Kill a Man?

May 9th - Unus Annus ASMR

May 10th - We Attempted to Create THICC Water

May 11th - Making Our Own Gravestones to Prepare For Our Inevitable Demise

May 12th - How Tall Can A Human Get?: An Impartial Review by 2 Average Height Men

May 13th - Mark Teaches Ethan Korean

May 14th - Bigfoot is Real and It Ate My Friend

May 15th - The End of Unus Annus is Almost Here...
(note- The Halfway point)

May 16th - We Explore the Unus Annus Subreddit for Your Delicious Memes

May 17th - How Big Can a Nuke Get?

May 18th - How Much Caffeine Does It Take to Kill a Man?

May 19th - Drinking Real THICC Water... How Bad Does It Taste?

May 20th - We Played Strip Poker
(note- Mark lost so badly. Ethan also cheated on the first game)

May 21st - Harnessing Our Yodeling Power to End the World aAs We Know It

May 22nd - Mark Cooks Blindfolded While Ethan Guides Him Through FaceTime

May 23rd - We Played the Newlywed Game While Consuimg That Which Will Kill the Other

May 24th - DIY Boob

May 25th - We Have the Best Bellies on Youtube

May 26th - The Unus Annus Confessional Booth

May 27th - DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2080
(note- Mark will be 90 and Ethan will be 83)

May 28th - Only UNUS-es May Watch This Video
(note- Unus vs Annus. Most Likes to Win.)

May 28th - Only ANNUS-es May Watch This Video
(note- Annus vs Unus. Most Likes to Win.)

May 29th - Only Watch from 2:15 to 6:11 --- DO NOT WATCH ANY OTHER PART OF THE VIDEO
(note- Annus Won)

May 30th - DIY Wine

May 31st - Tearing a Phone Book in Half with Our Huge Manly Muscles

June 1st - 2 Complete Amateurs Enter a Body Building Competition

June 2nd - BLACK LIVES MATTER. Resources and How You Can Help in the Description.
(note- This video was 8 Minutes and 47 seconds of silence)

June 3rd - Crushing Watermelons Betwixt Our Mighty Thighs

June 4th - Morphing Our Bodies Into Superhero Poses

June 5th - Reacting to Your Hilarious Green Screen Memes

June 6th - Mark Teaches Ethan to Read with Hooked on Phonics

June 7th - Ethan Roasts Mark of 15 Minutes Straight

June 8th - There's Something Horribly Wrong with This Picture...
(note- When they made their own creepy photos)

June 9th - Attempting to Build IKEA Furniture Without Instructions

June 10th - Mark and Ethan Become United State Citizens

June 11th - We Made Fanart for Each Other

June 12th - Our Fans Try and Scare Us with Their Homemade Creepypasta

June 13th - Recreating Childhood Photos

June 14th - Will We Break the Boards... Or Will They Break Us?

June 15th - Finding the Most Cursed Image on the Internet

June 16th - Learning to Cry on Command to Increase Our YouTube Views

June 17th - Pee Sauna
(note- The end of quarintine videos. Second of the Pee Trilogy)

June 18th - Building IKEA's Hardest Piece of Furniture Without Instruction is Impossible

June 19th - Becoming One With the Horse

June 20th - The Ultimate Paper Airplane Showdown

June 21st - Creating Mark FISHbach
(note- Origin of Mermer

June 22nd - Leaning How to Lock Pick (FBI Please Don't Watch)

June 23rd - The Most Dangerous Shave

June 24th - Ethan Traps Mark's Soul in the Palm of his Hand

June 25th - Bear Trapping 101: An Elegant Knot For An Elegant Beast

June 26th - 2 Men In a Trench Coat Teach You How to Save Money at the Movies

June 27th - Building the World's First IKEA Boat

June 28th - Ethan Teaches Mark How to Swim

June 29th - 10 Miracle Products to Give YOU the Thiccest Jaw on Planet Earth

June 30th - 2 Dirty Boys Wash Their Filthy Mouths Out with Soap

July 1st - Mark is Guilty. Ethan Has the Proof.

July 2nd - Recreating Mark's Childhood

July 3rd - We Put an Apple Watch in a Rock Tumbler

July 4th - Dummy Thicc for Dummies | A Tale of 2 Butts | Pushing Our Butts Even Further Beyond

July 5th - Reverse Engineering a Kite to Steal the Idea of Electricity From Benjamin Franklin

July 6th - The Candy Bra Challenge

July 7th - Mark and Ethan Look at a Puppy for 10 Minutes

July 8th - Unus Annus Try Pole Dancing

July 9th - This Is Hiding On Your Body RIGHT NOW.

July 10th - Tasting Weird Food Combos: Pickles and Chocolate? Ice Cream and Soy Sauce?

July 11th - The Unus Annus Space Program

July 12th - The Egg Smashing Game

July 13th - Can You Bake a Cookie from Cookie Dough Ice Cream?

July 14th - Bleachus Annus

July 15th - Dunking Oreos In Literally Anything But Milk

July 16th - Preparing a 5-Star Meal for Our Youtube Famous Dogs

July 17th - DIY Teeth

July 18th - How to Escape from a Hostage Situation

July 19th - Does This Magnetic Skincare Routine Really Work?

July 20th - DIY Bed of Nails : OH GOD, PLEASE DON'T EVER TRY THIS

July 21st - The Human Mop

July 22nd - Can Sound Therapy Heal All Wounds?

July 23rd - This Is The Most Dangerous Children's Toy Ever Made

July 24th - Would Chica Save Us From Drowning?

July 25th - We Do It Better Than Icarus Ever Could

July 26th - The Beginning of The End
(note- 110 days left. Start of the Desert videos)

July 27th - The Annual Unus Annus Dunk Contest

July 28th - Ultimate Horseshoes

July 29th - A Serious Conversation Under the Stars
(note- Last of the Desert videos)

July 30th - Recharging Our Phones Using Only Brute Strength

July 31st - 5 Products to Grow Your Patchy Beard

August 1st - Mark Teaches Ethan How to Play the Trumpet

August 2nd - Playing Cards: The World's Deadliest Weapon

August 3rd - We Lubed Our Floor For a Sliding Competition

August 4th - Breaking Glass With Our Screams

August 5th - This is Goodbye
(note- 100 Days Left)

August 6th - Mark and Ethan Share a Drink

August 7th - The Wubble

August 8th - Mark and Ethan Shave Chica

August 9th - DO NOT TRY THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES

August 10th - Judging Your Terrible Unus Annus Ideas

August 11th - Hydro Dipping a Baby

August 12th - Popping Popcorn with a High-Powered Laser

August 13th - Puberty Simulator

August 14th - Grip Strength Test: Loser Becomes the Winner's Butler for a Day
(note- Ethan "won" but Mark never became his Butler)

August 15th - Transforming Mark into the 8th Wonder of the World

August 16th - Momiplier Teaches Self-Defense

August 17th - Playing Children's Games in Total Darkness

August 18th - We're Better Than Dogs

August 19th - The Koala Challenge: TikTok's Intimate Couple's Trend

August 20th - 1 Gallon of Jello Nearly Broke Us

August 21st - Too Many Pickles
(note- The Video before the start of Camp Unus Annus)

August 22nd - Pitching a Tent in the Woods But There's a Bear 15 Feet Away
(note- Start of Camp Unus Annus. Mark was Blind while Ethan was Deaf)

August 23rd - How to Rescue a Cat from a Tree

August 24th - A Bear Attacked Us in the Middle of the Night

August 25th - How to Safely Bury Your Friend

August 26th - Team Building for 2: Trust Fall, Tug-of-War, and More!

August 27th - How to Start a Fire (except don't...)
(note- The infamous video where Unus appears at the window before Mark kills Ethan)

August 28th - Mark's Outdoor Escape Room

August 29th - Hunting HeeHoo

August 30th - Was 2020 a Bad Year for Unus Annus?
(note- End of Camp Unus Annus)

August 31st - Mark Gives Ethan a HOT (stone) Massage

September 1st - We Smell Every Smell

September 2nd - How Many Slaps Does It Take to Cook a Chicken?

September 3rd - 2 Boys 2 Poops

September 4th - Mark Teaches Ethan How to March in a Marching Band

September 5th - We Finally Drank Our DIY Wine

September 6th - 2 Adults Take a 4th Grade Math Test

September 7th - Making Snow Cones With Literally Anything but Normal Flavors

September 8th - We Attempts Pottery Without Amy's Help

September 9th - Can Plants Feel Pain?

September 10th - How Far Can We Chuck a 16lbs Rock?

September 11th - We Pierced Each Other's Ears

September 12th - We Ate Dog Treats So You Don't Have To

September 13th - We Accidentally Made an SCP While Amy Was Away

September 14th - BEYBLADE NUTBALL
(note- The Finale of the Nutball Trilogy)

September 15th - Making the Ultimate Unus Annus Burger

September 16th - Making Soda With Literally Anything But Soda

September 17th - Pee Soda
(note- The Finale of the Pee Trilogy)

September 18th - Learning to Use The Force

September 19th - Brick Soccer

September 20th - We Attempt to Make Holy Water

September 21st - Amy Sent Us a Mystery Box

September 22nd - Mark Knows What Ethan Did...
(note- Ethan cheated on the Grip Test Video)

September 23rd - This Video Will Never Make Sense

September 24th - We Attempt to Make UNHOLY Water

September 25h - We Will Churn Thy Butter

September 26th - Ethan Teaches Mark Gymnastics

September 27th - The Great Ice Cream Cake Race

September 28th - Mark Teaches Ethan to Wrestle

September 29th - Ethan Watches as Mark Achieves the Impossible

September 30th - Consuming the World's Hottest Chip

October 1st - This Video Went Completely Out of Control

October 2nd - The 1000 High Five Challenge

October 3rd - Bobbing For Apples But the Water Keeps Getting Thiccer

October 4th - Mark Breaks His Nose On An Aerial Hoop
(note- Was the second time in one week)

October 5th - Mark and Ethan Milk a Goat

October 6th - Shooting Archery ON A HORSE

October 7th - DIY Minesweeper

October 8th - Literally Finding a needle in a Haystack

October 9th - Drawing on Each Other's Backs in Total Darkness

October 10th - This is For FUN and NOT a Fetish
(note- They were in black bags with a vacuum to such out the air)

October 11th - Mark Conquers His Fear of Night Swimming
(note- Birth of the Gongoozler)

October 12th - The Painful Wolrd of Aerial Silks

October 13th - We Bought Every Grinch Costume on Ebay

October 14th - Pumpkin Taste Tier List

October 15th - Learn to Jump Higher in 16 Minutes and 16 Seconds

October 16th - Bobbing for Literally Anything but Apples

October 17th - This Video is Completely Unedited
(note- This is the video where they shoved Wax up their nose and Marks got stuck)

October 18th - Momiplier Tells Us True Scary Stories from Korea

October 19th - Pumpkin Spice "Challenge"
(note- Similar to the Cinnamon Challenge excpet with Pumpkin Spice and don't do this please)

October 20th - Mark and Ethan Build a Scarecrow

October 21st - Preassure Waching Our Sins Away

October 22nd - We Force Mark to Swin in the Ocean (HIS GREATEST FEAR)
(note- First of the Two Boat videos)

October 23rd - Fighting Fish to the Deathin in the Deep Blue Sea
(note- Second of the Two Boat Videos

October 24th - Cryptid Olympics

October 25th - Phasmophobia in Real Life
(note- Ghost hunt time)

October 26th - Edward Pumpkin Hands
(note- First Video in big spooky house)

October 27th - Blood Bath

October 28th - The Unus Annus Annual Costume Contest
(note- Second Video in big spooky house)

October 29th - Ethan Turns Mark into a Werewolf

October 30th - Ethan Kidnapped Mark
(note- Third Video in big spooky house. Ethan made Mark an escape room)

October 31st - The Truth of Unus Annus
(note- Final Video in the big house. They open the Custom Coffin and change from their clothes into their suits. 13 Days Left)

November 1st - Accepting the Truth
(note- They Accept they are going to die. They remain in their suits from this point onward)

November 2nd - The Unus Annus Last Supper

November 3rd - Being Brutally Honest with Each Other
(note- Mark cries)

November 4th - Recreating Every Single Unus Annus Video
(note- 45 minutes and 11 seconds. Longest video)

November 5th - All Our Video Ideas That Never Happened

November 6th - Who's Cutting Onions In Here???

November 7th - The 1st Annual Unus Annus Roast

November 8th - God's Fitness Test

November 9th - Saying Goodbye to All Our Guests

November 10th - Everything's Legal If You're Dead
(note- Cooking with Sex Toys 2)

November 11th - 7 Minutes in Heaven | 7 Minutes in Hell
(note- Ethan got heaven, Mark got hell)

November 12th - The Unus Annus Annual Sleepover
(note- The final video.)

November 13th - Goodbye.
(note- The final livestream.)

JoJo's Bizarre OC Tournament #4 - Round 3 Match 4 - Cabernet Sauvignon and Inch Nine vs Byte and Fira B

The results are in for Match 2.
Jade had been building, and building, managing to shrug past the bullets sent their way and just eating the chips in their quite literal armor, able to easily replenish it with yet more mud. The mud had stopped Dread from chasing them, and she had gone off and burned the place to scare the people off. Whatever. It complemented what it was they had desired…
All it would take now was this finishing touch, this last gesture of nonaggression towards Sentient Oona, who they were certain simply wished not to be bothered, did not care for any of this commodification of its very existence.
It was crass. It was sickening. It drove Jade, who just wished to live their own life, mad to think about, and now, nobody would follow, soon as they were a short swim through the basin away. The shrine itself would be a sinking island of concrete silk soon. All that would be left then was to use the cover of the dirtying water to avoid the bullets of the fan club, the last guard unit perched within the shrine.
Yet bullets never came, and above them, Jade felt instead a terrible heat, noted the appearance of spiked rubber on their mud-caked back. Something with an exoskeleton like an insect’s stood above them, they careened their head to see who was above them. It was Dread, barely swerving her body past dragonflies which had caught on to her malicious intent and meant to fry her.
“You again… I said fall down… Off.” They spoke with guttural contempt. “How did… You even…”
“You ruined my new boots, Antlerhead, but I am afraid that as much as the ground by which we did our battle had been soiled… You miscalculated in, I think, a fateful way, to utilize that ghastly terminology.” Briefly, indicatively, she looked to her side, and Jade understood as their opponent continued. “You didn’t destroy the bridge first. All I needed to do was walk across, watch your movements… And hop on.”
“You... still talk… too much.” Jade grunted, then, and spat at her, putting on their strongest face.
Then they saw so many dragonflies, flying towards both of them as fell bladed arms raised and descended.
The winner is Dread, with a score of 73 to Jade’s 71!

Category	Winner	Point Totals	Comments
Popularity	Tie	15-15	The first two matches in a row, up to the final moments, saw decent turnout while resulting in a tie by deadline.
Quality	Red Carpet Renaissance	24-21	Reasoning
JoJolity	Black Hill Estate	24-25	Reasoning
Conduct	Tie	10-10

After a few futile moments trying to commune with the alien, Dread stepped over that bridge once more, back onto land and stood over the lake where they had left Jade. After that final confrontation, the dragonflies had all dissipated, Sentient Oona either sated or exhausted after that final exchange of blows, and for a few days, slumbering.
Both of the fighters had been covered in blood, covered in gore, covered in wounds. The fire raged on even as the trapped god’s rage quelled, heat counteracted by the cool of the muddy, bloody lake, which Dread, feeling theatrical, turned herself away from.
“How quaint! A beast such as yourself thinking you had a chance beating a woman of my stature. Cute, really. Your malodorous challenge was something indeed, and I will admit that you… That you…”
Dread’s lip began to quiver. Her trip was RUINED!
She didn’t even get a single souvenir! Her train of thought lost, tears well in her eyes. Joywave fell, and she turned away from Jade, beginning to sob. She needed to go hug someone.
To this end, then, she ran and ran, tromping across the edge of the marsh towards the direction of the evacuating town she’d last seen her friend head, who surely would be not judgmental over such a platonic request as consolation. Mr. Jones was surely-
Ah. He’d already left, huh?
All he had left behind, then, was the Green Flying Man, clutching a massive gash in his flickering, transformed torso, hand feebly fumbling with a rotary phone in one of the few buildings not on fire yet.
“H… H-hello? Matilda? It’s… Nngh, it’s an emergency situation! The… The Estate is empty, and the closest member’s here with me in Sentient Oona and I’ll try and get back with them, but a guy cut his own leg off and died and everything’s on fire and Memory… He grabbed Memory Management, and said he knew how to kill her, that he would if she doesn’t-”
Click!
A fell claw hung the phone up, then severed the line, and Green collapsed, having been tripped and sent to the floor.
“Y-you! But if you’re here, th-that means-” Green whined. “No… No, no, no…”
“Do not irritate me with your whining!” The crying Dread, using Joywave, brought her hand down, then the other, then raised them, then brought each down again, and repeated this, and repeated this. “I! Am in! A very bad mood!”
The Green Flying Man was not long for the world anyway thanks to the distinctive sabre wound which had gouged him (a normal man would have been dead already), despite what he had said to assure whoever he was on the phone with, already fading from being, but he practically disintegrated seconds into Dread’s onslaught, and she hardly registered this until she stood, breathing heavily in the aftermath of her tantrum.
If… If what he said was true, then the reason Mr. Jones has left me here, messy and with no souvenirs to my name… Still sniffling pathetically, Dread quivered, trying to stiffen her posture. Then he, at least, had his success…
There’s only a few hours left, as of posting this match, to vote in its predecessor, a duel between a cactus-mancer and a clone-summoner in a clock tower.
Scenario:
Elephant Bones 2 - Afternoon
The empty former diner and tax shelter, adjacent to the legitimate restaurant to which it was a sequel, had constantly had people watching after it since the incident before, when ANVIL militia members had occupied it with the intention of using it to raid and capture the restaurant proper. For Fira B, the place made for a fine space to do paperwork and generally not be easily found when she wasn’t outright needed, also serving double duty in how it kept hooligans from their hooliganry.
“I raise you better dental. It’s a top-secret dental plan - people like us normally don’t get to know about it. But... you gotta risk 8% of the raise you earned so far.”
Byte, sitting at the table opposite her, pondered it over, not typically the type to end up in poker games, but having wanted a raise and found himself very easily swayed by Fira, basically, implying he was afraid to handle it this way, worried he would lose. Sure, Fira was probably blatantly cheating, but hey, so was he, and as it was, his pay was about to go up 10%.
Thanks to his Stand, he already had everything he needed to make a perfect game… All saved in spades, card-counted to hell for the perfect moment, and this forbidden dental plan for teeth beyond compare had been his ultimate goal this entire time.
“Alright, I’ll call.” The final hands were dealt and played to, then, tensely, before he declared, putting it all down on the table, “royal flush, all spades! Those secret teeth are as good as-”
Fira, grinning, displayed her own hand, then, having prepared her own forbidden technique for this exact eventuality, this moment. Not one, two, three, or four Aces in her hand, nor even something so hackneyed as an errant fifth Ace. She had gone beyond Poker, and displayed a devastating, never-before-seen six Aces technique, all in different suits. Everyone in real Poker knew that that was even better.
“No way… Dammit, that’s cheating! No way you seriously got-”
“So were you. Don’t forget this loss, Byte. Work hard, and maybe one day you’ll be able to get any teeth you want. Even mine, if you’re ruthless enough.”
He was about to raise an objection, then, when another figure walked through the faux-restaurant doors, carrying with them a face-obscuring massive gift basket full of assorted soaps and candies that look like soaps. More troublingly, as both parties present immediately narrowed their eyes at, though, was the uniform the figure was wearing.
They were clad in body armor, aqua and blue with white accents, the unmistakable colors of VALKYRIE and its members, complete with the sidearm all were known for carrying idly resting at their side.
“What do you want.” Fira asked sternly, about to stand up.
“Oh, the boss asked me to drop these off to sweeten the deal!”
“Deal?” Her voice lowered, and she stood tall, Byte almost wanting to grin at the sight of what was to come. “I don’t know anything about a ‘deal’.”
“Oh, right, uh, probably should’ve led with that!” Awkwardly, the recruit, young-looking, Byte surmised, put the gift basket down on the table. “See, uh, he wants you to swing by the address on the card later, says he’s sure you could help with-”
Effie Linder was sitting outside, fiddling frustratedly with the wi-fi as she tried to remember exactly what the new password was, only to see the man who’d walked in in a VALKYRIE uniform literally thrown out, crying out and hitting the pavement like a ragdoll. It made her smirk, despite herself and her contempt for the boss.
Fira brushed her hands off, seething and staring before letting the doors shut. Byte, meanwhile, looked over the gift basket, smelling one of the soaps, and one of the candies, within.
“Not bad, actually… Whoever picked this out has some taste. Always bugged me how soap doesn’t taste like it smells…”
“Eugh, I swear… VALKYRIE is acting chummy with us now... It’s one thing for their enemies to fight us because of some bad timing, but we are not people VALKYRIE sends gift baskets to!”
“Never even heard of Ugo McBaise sending gift baskets to anyone…” Byte quipped, curious.
“Exactly. It’s a passive-aggressive thing, clearly. They’re trying to tell us to play nice.” Fira cracked her knuckles, turning to him then. “You can admire soaps later. What’s the address on that card? Let’s go there and beat the hell out of Ugo. Send a message that we’re not friends, and his bones should be broken right now.”
“Hey, alright, I’m down,” Byte said, finding some amusement in the situation as he stood, slowly, opening up the card. “Besides… I know, different branches and all, but you know what happened to Zebra… All because he was backing Peres up in her fight against this company. Like, dammit, I was on that trip, too… Like half of us were, and people risked their lives and died trying to get that Ocean Soul caught alive in the first place, and then some guys from this company show up and then it’s all for nothing. Maybe I’ll feel better calling this a sort of revenge.”
The Black Hill Estate - Afternoon
Inch Nine paced around her room rubbing her temples. Ever since the fight she’d had with Byron Oxbow, everything in her life had gotten more complicated. She’d brought it up with Klein once, and the conflicted expression in his face had stuck with her. Pretty much any friends she had made with connections to the Industrial District reacted that way, to various extents. Inch was a cool headed person, but even though she struggled to show it, it affected her.
Thoughts rushed through her head on who was at fault for this… Cairo, Fira, Byron, that commander of his. Even with all of that a thought kept flowing through her head. Maybe herself, even. If she had only been able to talk Byron down, been more forthright about where she stood, it might have been avoided. She could have worked something out and her relationships would all be fine and so much hurt could have been avoided.
No. No, that was stupid, too.
It was that bastard, Ugo McBaise, and that horrible company he ran. He couldn’t help but keep pushing and pushing forward, turning a security company into a household bogeyman. Of course everyone would have been less on edge, never would have been at war in the first place, had it not been for that lot.
Yes, saying that, Inch felt at peace again, if only for a moment.
As that thought finished a small knock came at the door. Soon enough, she heard a voice she recognized well - that of her teammate, Cabernet Sauvignon, who came through the other side of the door. “Hey, we just got a letter and a gift basket from these VALKYRIE guys… Actually quite a nice fellow at the door, said it was specifically for us.”
“Hm.” Inch tilted her head. It had an… Assorted smell to it, and everything did look quite delicious. To test the mettle of this goodwill, she thought to grab something, take a bite…
She was glad that nobody could see the lower half of her face, the expression on it, at the random item within that she had taken, the soapy taste overwhelming her senses now. With a continued coolheadedness as Cab sat there surely unawares, she asked, “did he say what occasion this was for? I am to understand that this is not a company known for actions such as this, even if many of us have helped ODIN.”
“Said he had somewhere to be, then ran off before I could possibly entertain him,” Cab answered, “though I suspect perhaps that he was intimidated by my attempts to strike up a conversation about the exotic cheeses and scented candles which would best pair with the provided basket…” His face darkened a moment, then, as he added in a suspicious, perhaps self-importantly quiet tone, “and aside from that, probably whatever this is is suspicious as hell.”
“We are in agreement, then. No matter how polite they act towards us,” Inch said, her eyes narrowing at the deceptively tasty looking contents of the basket, towards the letter within, apparently from the head of the company urging them to come, “we can not abide by working with a man like that, or even being seen as his allies.”
“You know, I don’t know much about this Mcbaise guy, except by the reputation you all gave him, and this may be an old hobby of mine talking, but…” Cab gestured for the card, then, to glance, for himself, over the address. “If they’re going to roll out the red carpet for us, what do you say we head over there just to knock some heads?”
“I could not have thought of a better message myself. Perhaps you are not all culinary knowledge and trivia, Cabernet.”
Business District, Noon
As one would naturally do when receiving a “suspicious as hell” gift basket, Inch and Cab soon decided to investigate further, going to the address mentioned in the card the next day, driving Cab’s truck over there.
That was a mistake; the two of them must have spent almost an hour trying to find any available parking spot afterwards. The odds were stacked against them, but they eventually managed to find an overpriced spot fifteen minutes from their destination that they could stay in for a while, and went on their way.
Inch and Cab made their way through the hustle and bustle of the district, but after a couple minutes of walking, Inch spotted something out of the corner of her eye that gave her pause - a teal-haired woman walking angrily through the street, whom she’d fought for her life alongside not long ago. Fira.
Inch casually walked over, Cab following along behind her, and made her way to Fira, waving. “Hello there, Fira!” She said, actually sort of pleased to see her.
She didn’t expect to see a friendly-ish face here, so it was a welcome sight. Per usual Fira’s expression right now wasn’t one many people would call “friendly,” which is to say that she seemed even more pissed off than she usually did.
“Oh, Inch. You’re here. Hello.” Verbose as ever, Fira B.
“I am. What brings you here, Fira? You live and work quite far west of here, non?”
Before Fira said anything, Byte stepped in, taking over from there. “Those VALKYRIE assholes sent us some kind of gift package filled with soap and candy... wanted to win us over, I guess, make us do something for them, so we’re heading over to tell them to fuck off and beat that Ugo asshole up.”
“Oh! We received a similar package too... I had just thought of what candles I might buy while out here to combine with it all, offer the perfect ambiance for some aged Caciocavallo Podolico, but we agree - something’s suspicious about this…” Cab said, Inch nodding along.
Inch spoke up again then. “If all of us are heading towards the same place… I suppose it is best for us to all go together, non?”
“Guess so.” Fira, though not exactly overjoyed at the idea, seemed receptive enough to it, and neither Byte nor Cab objected either, so the four stand users went on their way. Each, though imagining different melodies, were totally all picturing the scene as being paired with some kickass background music or another.
Making their way towards the address, they noticed that there seemed to be less and less of the tall skyscrapers common to the district surrounding them, and more and more buildings directly associated with VALKYRIE - that made sense, given that this was their part of the district.
As they went along, Byte kept looking around, even more so than the rest of them, always looking and commenting on whatever came to mind for him - “hey, that building seems like a pain in the ass to work in,” “oh, that dude actually looks kind of strong, I bet he could take those other guys over there. Not me though, obviously,” and other inane comments. Soon enough, everyone else simply started tuning it out, paying them no real heed and going on along their way.
Eventually, they reached the address - a building, larger than most others in the area, marking the entrance to a VALKYRIE training ground. Getting near the building, Byte noticed something - a man in a VALKYRIE outfit, walking towards them. He seemed quite well built, enough so that Byte figured he might even have to use BRB to beat him were things to come to that. “Hey, that VALKYRIE guy over there seems like he wants something with us, no?”
No response. The man got closer.
Byte wondered to himself how he could get the attention of Fira or the other two without pissing them off. Eventually, he decided to give Cab a light slap on the shoulder to grab his attention - he didn’t seem particularly threatening, especially when compared to Fira or Inch.
Cab, who seemed to be lost in thought looking at the building, turned to Byte with a sour expression. “What do you want, and why would it necessitate hitting me?!”. He seemed angry, but Byte simply shrugged in response. “Well, you weren’t responding to what I said, and-”
“Uh… excuse me? You’re the ones we called over, right? Inch Nine, Cabernet Sauvignon, Fira B, and-”
“What do you want from us.” Before the man, who seemed to be surprisingly docile considering his build and appearance, could finish, Fira interrupted him, and he found himself angrily stared down by all four of the stand users. The man stammered for a bit, unsure of how to respond or what to say...
“Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey… let’s all calm down, yeah?” The intense staredown was interrupted when a voice came from afar, one that was familiar to Fira.
“Hey, wait a sec…” She cocked an eyebrow in disbelief, grunting and adding as she turned, “no way… Is it seriously-”
A man clad in a dark suit colored like VALKYRIE’s armor, adorned with cute shapes had emerged now, clad professionally head-to-toe, dress shoes to black sunglasses, and lord, that hair.
Such long hair, vertical and striped.
Rushen Smith stood before the lot of them, strutting around like he’d owned the place or something. She’d beaten him once, but hadn’t been expecting to cross paths with him again.
“What do you want.”
“No need to be so hostile, yeah? We’re not calling you here to start trouble or nothing, so-”
“We’re?” Fira interrupted him. “You’re with VALKYRIE?” Well, if he was with VALKYRIE, at least Fira knew very well that she could still beat the shit out of him, given that she already had a good track record against him. Then, she’d move on to Ugo.
“So you’re like a… Miniboss, now.” Byte interjected, disappointed, yet ready to fight nonetheless.
“If I may finish.” Rushen sounded impatient
“To make a long story short… Ugo’s out. CEO fired him for everything he’s done. You’re not talkin’ to some crony to an NFL reject. You’re looking at the new head of VALKYRIE. For security and PR reasons, Allday has been been keepin’ quiet about it for now, preparing for just the right moment to tell the public, make sure I get revealed to the public with a good positive splash, but it is what it is. So… ready to talk now? Because I’m thinkin’ we can use your help, and we can definitely make it worth your while.”
Deeper within the premises - An Open-air training facility
Everyone had been disarmed by their confusion, and by Rushen’s goodwill, and by the thought that, just like that, one of the most threatening people in the city could just be fired like it was nothing, which made for Rushen a convenient situation. They were in line, following his lead, and as he did so, he brought them to a state-of-the-art training facility, one wherein dozens upon dozens of security officers in armor were walking around, shooting the shit, running, chatting by vending machines stocked with overpriced health food and sports drinks, and almost always giving Rushen a respectful nod and salute as he passed by, always meeting it with a cool, “at ease.”
“I still do not understand why we are here…” Inch, after some time being led around, spoke up. “I assume you sent those gift baskets to us, but even then, beyond wishing us here quickly, you did not say what you expect of us. Or even sign your name, beyond ‘the boss of VALKYRIE.’”
“Yes, like I said, my step into the private sector ain’t public knowledge yet… Trying to keep a lot under lock, ‘cuz I’ve inherited a backlog of things to take care of. Need-to-know basis… You know how it is.”
Fira nodded, saying bluntly, “so you’re planning something big. Want us to have a part. What? And why? Better not be wasting our time…”
“All Ugo ever taught people far as tactics went was a bullheaded, aggressive push forward… Rush, and rush, and rush, and just overwhelm opponents before they can think their way out.” Rushen explained. “It hasn’t been working, it got a lotta people on all sides or no sides hurt and killed who didn’t need to be, and while he used to have a man for handling stuff that took a brain, long story short… He’s no longer with us either. We’re trying to work on a way to save the people of this city from what’s up ahead, and no point in doing that if there’s no one to save, yeah? VALKYRIE needs to be better… We need to reorient, pick and choose better battles, get better at fighting them. No more bullcrap about raiding bars or stealing cows, yeah?”
“So you want us to… Help you retrain this security company?” Byte asked. “Why us?”
“The four of you felt right for it,” Rushen answered, looking each of them over in turn, “Byte, I know the part you played in that shipyard incident, and while I still ain’t pleased at what you were working for then, and it really messed Jesse up in a bad way, that’s all over now. The Ocean Soul business is done and in the past, and you’re real good at what you do.”
He was quiet, then.
“Fira,” he continued, “you’re another career criminal in this city, and you and I both know it, but we need someone who can think like that, someone with fight in her, for what I’m trying to get these guys ready for. Now ain’t the time to get picky… Long as you keep minding your business.”
“I try. Some people make it so hard.” Fira snorted, folding her arms.
“Inch, you used to be seen with Cairo a whole bunch, until right around when a certain incident happened… You know what I mean, don’t you?” She and Fira sneered, and Rushen raised a hand. “I’m not here to criticize, mind. I like your style, and that cool gator power thing you got going for you, hear you’ve got some real good learning techniques, and most important of all, I hear the two of you managed to survive bein’ in the dead center of Byron Oxbow at his angriest in thirty years.”
“You are… Praising me. It is appreciated, thank you.”
“And Cab,” Rushen continued, “you are the whitest man I have ever met, and I’ve got family in the same neck of New York as Douglas Jones. But hey, you’re a friend of Jesse’s, and these guys around here, they remember you at the battle on Capital Island, hurt and just popped outta this magic bottle, and still fighting with ‘em and helping people escape. You’re good people, and you got a particular edge to you I need too.”
“I saw I think a better side of VALKYRIE than most, by good circumstance,” Cab started, flattered by the mixed praise, ultimately happy to recognize it as stroking his ego, and a part of him warmed up for what was being praised turning out to be something besides the hobbies with which he’d filled the void. “Though I was just as willing to knock these guys’ heads in as everyone else here, you know… I certainly don’t mind this turnaround, though. And I think I’m starting to guess who it is you want to fight here, why you want a group like this in on it… Might you be planning to stake out the-”
“Not a word. Can’t let this get leaked.”
“Of course, of course,” Cab answered, quite confident in his mental answer nonetheless. “You mentioned this being worth our while… Can I ask what you mean by that?”
“The CEO’s gonna be watching this training sesh too, if you didn’t already guess… We’ll make sure all four of you are rewarded handsomely for this, of course, but if you really go above-and-beyond, she’s said she’ll throw even more bonus on top of all the dough. I recommend you shoot for that.”
“So we need to help train your guys better than these two, huh?” Fira answered, jerking her thumb at Inch and Cab.
“I mean, it probably is better for you to work with the person ya know primarily, but it’s not really a comp-”
“We are gonna blow whatever you guys are doing out of the water,” Byte interrupted, looking towards the Estate residents with a fiery look in his own eye. “We’ll show you the kind of training you can normally only see for a total premium at Dukes!”
“Yes, let’s one-up each other,” Cab agreed with an amused smirk, well aware that this competitive streak was unnecessary, but beginning to feel a certain fire in him, “what do you say, Inch? You up for the task of whipping these guys into crimebusting shape?”
“I suppose I am.” Inch herself was beginning to feel the air of competition, feel her blood pumping, “no hard feelings to either of you, if you are not selected for this… But we are simply going to do a phenomenal job.”
Rushen sighed, shaking his head. “Least you ain’t trying to kill each other… Alright! I’ll roll with it.” He clapped his hands, perking up quite a bit. “Both of y’all are in charge of sixteen recruits who need retraining fast, and we’re gonna compare what you did at the end. Just don’t kill ‘em or nothing, or do nothing stupid, and for four hours, soon as you got a plan together, what you say goes. Got it? Good.”
Man, now I’m feelin’ the competitive spirit a bit… Really is contagious, huh? Probably gonna make ‘em do a better job… Ah, hell, now I’m feelin’ a certain urge. I’m gonna say it. I’m gonna!
“Open the game.”
(credit to magistelles for the awesome art!)
Location: A VALKYRIE training facility in the middle of the business district.
The area consists of track fields, indoor gymnasiums, shooting ranges, training equipment storage, training towers and practical training buildings as well as other training sites. There is also general equipment storage and a small infirmary on site.
Essentially any sort of equipment or facilities you’d expect to find in a military style boot camp can be found here. Things like body armor and helmets, large tires, guns (both handguns and rifles), training dummies, etc. If you aren’t sure if something can be found here, just ask the judges.
There is also a large amount of spare wood used for building obstacle courses.
Goal: Train your group of recruits better than your opponents in a 4 hour training session!
Additional Information:
You can assume there is minimal downtime from getting area to area within the full facility.
Each team has a group of 16 VALKYRIE recruits to be trained. Each of them has 333 physicals and a 2 in gun handling and a 2 in hand to hand combat. While your session is a full 4 hours, you may still need to consider the stamina of the recruits and schedule breaks for them accordingly. They are in full uniform, with helmets, combat boots, and body armor as well as a pistol and baton each. They also have equipment that lets them see stands. They each have spare uniforms and can be refitted with training equipment from the equipment storage as needed. They also have assault rifles and walkie talkies in the equipment storage.
For the purposes of training they will generally agree to whatever you put them through short of anything that has significant risk of resulting in actual harm.
Teams are allowed to use/take anything from the facilities for the purposes of training.
In terms of Voting and Quality we are looking for a few different things:

Having effective training: This can mostly be boiled down to how well their training either strengthenings their bodies or helps them learn muscle memories or techniques that improve fighting.
Using your time effectively: Similar to having effective training, minimizing wasted time that could have been otherwise useful is also important.
Having your recruits last for as much of the training as possible: Having guys needing to be sent to the infirmary for injuries or overworking them before the 4 hours is up will affect your score negatively. While accidents can happen through say sparring or other mishaps, you should try to minimize any lasting damages to the recruits.
Having varied and well rounded training: Having them build skills in multiple areas, full body exercise over focusing on one or two muscle groups, and preparing them for a variety of scenarios.
Discipline: While your recruits will be following your orders for training, being able to command their attention and respect can go a long way on making an impression and bolster training effectiveness. On the flip side, doing things that make the recruits not take you or training seriously can defeat the purpose of training.

In terms of training, you can also consider anything security personnel should be trained in, not just strictly combat. That can include rescuing, defending people, perceptiveness, team coordination, etc.

Team	Combatant	JoJolity
The Graveyard Shift	Fira B.	“This pain-in-the-ass pillar is a reflection on that woman's personality...” You know, if you are going to be training these people, might as well make this fun for yourself. Personalize your training regiment as much as you can to make it unique with your abilities!
The Graveyard Shift	Byte	“Climb to the top of the pillar with just your hands. That's the only exit. If you can't climb out, you'll stay there until you die.” Anybody could just sit back and train people, that’s why you can’t bring yourself to do that. Be active and hands-on in your training!
Black Hill Estate	Inch Nine	“Climbing with something other than the ripple is not appreciated by the pillar... This "Hell Climb Pillar" only likes the ripple and knocks down everything else... Don't forget that.” No point in relaxing while they do all the training, might as well brush up on your own skills. Be active and hands-on in your training!
Black Hill Estate	Cabernet “Cab” Sauvignon	“It's the fault of the person who built that trap... whoever built this was really fucked up! Making me fall for that” While you could have them do just normal training, that is defeating both the point of the exercise and would be a complete waste of everybody’s time. Personalize your training regiment as much as you can to make it unique with your abilities!

Link to the Official Player Spreadsheet
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Subverted Expectations, Part 14 (By jimmyhopkinsbroh)

Two days had passed since you had taken in Lucas. You’re taking him to the vet today, then you’re going to the park with your fluffies. Everything was good with him, got his shots, then took him to Old City Pizza as a reward. The other fluffies were being watched by your neighbor, Max. Curly hair, relaxed eyes, kind of guy who’s nearly constantly high but still manages to have a steady job. Cool guy, real chill, loves fluffies but doesn’t have any of his own.
“Hey, Jack! Whoa! What are you wearing?” Sal is looking you over, obviously surprised by your outfit. You had decided to make the boy shorts and thighhighs apart of one of your outfits. Look, it’s comfy, and Philly has become one of the more progressive cities and you can finally express yourself now. Not like growing up in a tiny town where saying you were gay was like saying you were the devil incarnate.
“It’s comfy, alright?” Sal laughs. “Hey, don’t worry man, I heard that ‘femboys’ are popular with the internet today. Besides, it suits you. Certainly got the figure for it at least amirite?” You just sort of stare at him, one eyebrow raised. “I’ll, uh, I’ll be with you in a sec to take your order.”
“Daddeh, Wucas smeww pwetty nummies!” You laugh, putting him in one of the fluffy seats. “Yeah, this place always smells good.” Sal runs up to the table. “Alright, what can I get ya?” You look over the menu, thinking about what Lucas would like the most. “The regular for me, a small plate of spaghetti, and a plate of chicken tenders.”
“Comin’ right up! Also, I was distracted earlier by, uh, things, but I noticed that you have a new fluffy. What happened to the other three?” You scratch Lucas behind the ears. “The other three are at home with Max, Lucas here just had his check up.” Sal knew Max, and immediately started laughing.
“You sure you want your fluffies hanging out with a stoner? They might be listening to Pink Floyd when you get back!” He wipes a tear from his eye, clearly imagining the scenario in his head. “Oh, they already listen to Pink Floyd. But I made sure to let Max know that ‘toking’ is not allowed in the apartment. As much as I know he would love to smoke weed with a fluffy.” Sal lets out another hearty chuckle. “I’ll be back with your order.”
Sal arrived with the food, and you and Lucas proceeded to eat. “Before you try the spaghetti, want to try some chicken tenders with barbecue sauce?” Lucas looks up at you, confused by the statement. “Tendew? Wha’ dat?”
You grab a chicken tender, and tear it into a few strips. “That, my little friend, is the sign of a good chicken tender.” You dip one of the strips into some barbecue sauce. You hold it in front of him, and he sniffs at it. He gives it a little lick, and his eyes light up.
“Yummy!” He says, taking the strip from you and chowing down. “Dis bettah den sketties!” Hearing that actually makes you really happy, considering how much you like chicken tenders.
“Can Wucas hab mowe tendews?” You laugh, and dip some more into the barbecue sauce. “Sure thing little buddy!” He happily eats, until the entire tender you broke up is gone. “Wucas fuww, daddeh.”
“Yeah, me too. Lets bring these back home, I’m sure your siblings will be grateful for the spaghetti.” You pay the bill, get some boxes, and walk home with Lucas in tow. “Come back anytime, Jack!” Sal calls out the door.
On your way home, you and Lucas see one of the fluffies of the city, carrying a letter tied to its side. Not really even a feral, since you think that someone trains them to do this. You just know that none of them have asked for a home, and in your experience, have never had kids with them. “Hewwo fwuffy fwiend! Am Wucas!” The fluffy looks up at Lucas and smiles. Thank goodness his wings were obscured, it would have been a disaster if this little courier had gotten frightened and lost his letter. “Hewwo babbeh! Am maiwfwuffy!” The little courier continues on his way. Hope he wasn’t carrying any poker chips.
“Daddeh, wha maiwfwuffy?”
“Well, you know what a mailman is, right?” Dum dum, why would he know what a mailman is, you have a PO box. “Maiwman, wike Nooman?” Damn, he paid attention to Seinfeld last night. “Yeah, like Newman. Only a fluffy, and not Wayne Knight.” He smiles. “Wub Seinfewd.”
You arrive back at the apartment, and see Max sitting in the safe room, playing with the toys while the fluffies watch TV. “Dude, what are you doing?” He looks up from building a Duplo castle, trips over a wooden train, manages to not fall on his ass, and chuckles.
“Look, I tried playing with them, but they wanted to watch King of the Hill. Then I kinda got into building this sick ass castle, and then the railway, and long story short, you need more track cause I wanted to expand into the rest of the apartment.” You put your hand to your face and rub your eyes. “Nice outfit by the way.”
“Alright Lucas, go say hi to uncle Max, I’m gonna pack a basket to take with us, then we can all go to the park.” Lucas walks over to Max and goes into that pose they do when they want you to pick them up. Max picks him up and starts scratching behind his ears, and then he looks at you. “Can I come?”
You all headed to the park, Max coming along as well. Max is carrying Magnum and Nebula, and you’re carrying Lucas and Johnny, along with a picnic basket with the leftovers you just got, some juice, and a blanket. “I still don’t get why you don’t let me smoke with them.” He says, jokingly. “Magnum would love it.” Magnum looks up at him. “Wha?”
“D-don’t worry about it, Max is just being weird. This looks like a good spot to sit, big tree nearby, stream over there, not too far from the sidewalk, seems good to me.” You place Lucas and Johnny down on the grass, set the basket down, and lay out the big picnic blanket.
You all spend some time playing, doing a little bit of exploring, and eating the food you brought. Magnum and Johnny are playing with a ball you took along with you, Lucas is sitting by Max in the sun, and Nebula was playing near some flowers nearby the trees. You and Lucas didn’t eat as much, but the other fluffies (and Max) made up for it. You certainly had enough juice to drink though.
“Hey, Max, I’m gonna go find the bathroom in this park, probably gonna call the vet and schedule an appointment for their fixing, can you watch the fluffies while I’m gone?”
Max gives you a thumbs up. “Sure thing, dude.” With that, you embark on your crusade to find the bathroom. Hope It won’t take too long.
SUPER COOL PERSPECTIVE SHIFT: (Nebula Perspective.)
You are Nebula, and you have the bestest family ever. You and your brothers were rescued by your daddy when you were all babies, and even though Johnny and Magnum had been hurt, they were still happy, and so were you. Your daddy gave Magnum a cool set of wheelies that let him play again, and he gave Johnny a pair of wheelies that let him walk again. Daddy is the best, even if Magnum and Johnny think his not fluff leggies are silly.
You also have a new brother, a pointy wingy babbeh named Lucas. Despite what other fluffies had told you about fluffies with wings and a horn (Munstah fluffies, they called them), Lucas is really nice! He’s littler than you and your brothers, but daddy said that was because he’s younger.
You like to play with your brothers and daddy and uncle Max, but sometimes you just want to explore on your own. Daddy told you not to go past the sidewalk, but that still gave you plenty of room to explore. “I’ll take you on a little walk later, Nebula. Then we can explore to our hearts content!” Plus, uncle Max was watching you while you explored, and uncle Max was a nice man. Even if he was a little silly.
You had just found a pretty looking rock, and had picked it up with your mouth, when you heard two fluffies talking.
“Gu say hewwo, dummeh! Kebin wan pwetty speciaw fwien, wight?”
You knew what special friends are, and special huggies, and babies, and stuff like that, but daddy had said no babies or special huggies, and that was okay with you. While you liked the idea of having babies, you also knew they were a lot of work, and you had to take care of your brothers. They depend on you, since you’re their big sister!
“O-otay, Cwaig is su smawty, su Kebin wiww twy.”
From behind the tree, a fluffy steps out, about the same size as you. He’s an earthie, with pretty white fluff and a teal mane. “H-hewwo, am Kebin. Do p-pwetty fwuffy hab namsie?”
You giggle a little. He sounds like daddy whenever someone says his outfit is pretty! “Fwuffy name am Nebuwa! Wan be nyu fwien?”
Kevin digs at the ground with his hoof. “W-weww, Kebin was w-wondewing if pwetty Nebuwa wan be s-speciaw fwien.”
You smile at him. “Nu tank yu, daddeh say nu speciaw fwiens, bu’ Nebuwa can be nowmaw fwien!” Kevin looks a little sad, but when you mention being normal friends he smiles. “Kebin wike dat. Mummah say Kebin nu can hab speciaw fwien anyway.”
“Nu! Dummeh! Dat nu how yu get speciaw fwien! Cwaig wiww show how it dun!”
A dark blue fluffed, light green mane, unicorn fluffy steps out from behind the tree. He looks at you and grins. Not a nice grin like Kevins, but a meanie grin that almost seems to say ‘Fwuffy bettah den yu.’ Kevin runs to hide behind the tree. “S-sowwy Cwaig, pwease nu yeww at Kebin!”
“Pwetty mawe gib Cwaig speciaw huggies an’ good feews.” He grins, and runs up behind you. Suddenly, you feel something touch your no-no spot, and you let out a little scree! “Uncwe Max! Hewp!” You look over, and Uncle Max is helping Magnum out after Magnum accidentally got stuck in a hole.
“Nu make dummeh scree noise, dummeh mawe! Cwaig nee’ concentwate to do speciaw huggies. (nu can fine speciaw spot…)” Your little mind is working as fast as it can to think of a way out of this horrible situation. You think back to this morning when you were watching TV with your brothers. You think about the funny little human on TV who learned how to protect himself by kicking meanies in the special lumps. You grin a little, and summon all your strength and courage.
“DAT NEBUWA PUWSE, NEBUWA NU KNO YU!”
You kick out your back leg, and feel it collide with something squishy. “SCREEEEEEE! WOWSTEST SPECIAW WUMP HUWTIES!!” The meanie smarty relinquishes his hold on you, and you run away as fast as you can to Uncle Max!
COOL PERSPECTIVE SHIFT AGAIN (Jack)
After what felt like 30 minutes, and a few close calls of pissing yourself, you finally found the bathroom. Turns out it was actually really close by. You do your business, and then proceed to call the vet and schedule the appointments.
Right as the call ends, you hear what sounds like a fluffy screaming its head off. “Oh goddammit, Max.”
You sprint over to a tree, where you find a fluffy rolling on the ground clutching its groin, and another fluffy standing nearby looking slightly concerned, but also giggling a little.
“Huu, no-noes su huwties… Why dummeh mawe huwt wumps?” The fluffy that isn’t writhing around in the dirt just stares. “Kebin nu gib huggies now, Cwaig was meanie. Nu mean nu!” You walk over to Max, just as an old man comes over. “Dammit, Kevin, I told you not to play with Craig! He’s a bad influence!”
“B-buh daddeh, Kebin make nyu fwiend! Nu eben nee’ speciaw huggies!” The old man sighs and looks at you. He’s bald, but he has a kickass mustache. “I’m terribly sorry, Kevin is a little too explorative for his own good, and a little too trusting.” He looks over to the fluffy on the ground. “Craig, I’m gonna have a serious talk with your owner after this.”
“N-nu! Nu teww mummah! Huu, wumps su huwties…”
“Daddeh, can Kebin pway wif Nebuwa? Nebuwa nyu fwien an’ nice fwuffy.” The old man sighs again. “Maybe some other time Kevin, I’m exhausted.” He looks over to you. “Young lady, what’s your name?” You chuckle a little. “Jack, sir.”
“Jack… Odd name for a girl, but I just realized I was mistaken. Well, Jack, my name is Rex, and if you ever want to bring your Nebula over to play, or want to have a play date with Kevin, here’s my number. Kevin doesn’t have a lot of friends, so the fact that he was able to make one today is a big accomplishment.”
You write down the number in your phone, shake hands with the old man, and he leaves, taking the fluffy on the ground with him.
“Hey, uh, Max? What the hell happened while I was gone?” Max looks at you.
“Well, uh, Magnum got stuck in a tiny pothole, so I had to help him out, and while I was doing that Nebula got into a fight with another fluffy, I think. Maybe she could tell you better.” He hands Nebula to you.
“Meanie smawty fwuffy twy gib Nebuwa bad huggies, bu’ Nebuwa say ‘Dat Nebuwa puwse! Nebuwa nu kno yu!’ an’ gib him wowstest speciaw wump owwies. Wish Nebuwa could hab pwayed wif Kebin…”
“Well, I’ll take you to play with him some other time. For now, I think we’ve had enough of the park. I’m proud of you Nebula, but please promise me one thing.”
“Yus, daddeh?”
“Please don’t do everything you see on TV.”

[RF] The Eleven Year Itch

The eleven year itch.
TV has a different quality when you’re sick. It’s not as comforting as it usually is. It drags, hurts her with every commercial.
She watches Dr Phil, then Maury, then Entertainment Tonight. She flicks through channels, trying to find something to distract her.
TV’s big promise is that it can be your friend, you can laugh with it, cry with it. She doesn’t own Netflix or Hulu. She is old fashioned in that way, she doesn’t have the internet either. She uses it at work, but doesn’t necessarily trust it.
With the internet there’s no filtering process, everything and anything could be thrown at you. Pornography, beheading videos, gambiling websites, viruses. All this scares her, the randomness of it all.
She remembers clearly her niece telling her a story of a time when she had been playing a game online and a scary face had flown out at her. This scary face had flashed with no warning and just filled the screen. Kelly knows that if that ever happened to her she would die inside, she would scream and scream until she ran out of life.
If there is going to be a scary face on TV, there will be a warning. A stern voice will tell you that “Parental guidance is recommended” or that this show “ Is for mature audiences”.
With TV, although there is no control, the programming has been designed by someone. A programmer has considered what will play. She is in the most marketed to age group 18 to 35. With the internet you have no control, and no one has planned it, the internet just keeps going whether you want it to or not.
When she gets out the vodka bottle she has to dust it off. She rubs it clean with a dish rag, grey specs fall off it to pile into the sink. She pours a small glass, then drinks it straight. The moment is over quick, no graduality to it.
She feels like a bridge, a big steel bridge with exactly one beam missing, every day cars drive over her, these cars are the general pressure of life.
All the tiny but monumental tribulations and humiliations of being a human. These include but are not limited to periods, traffic, headaches, stomach troubles ( Being too full and too empty, the twin pains), acne breakouts, clothes making her look fat, awkward silences, random eye contact, laughing too loud at someone’s joke and much, much more.
All these annoying little niggles, that everyone deals with are like cars driving over her. And as the TV commercials got too boring, the bridge collapsed.
With one vodka comes two, then three, then the whole bottle, then the sponsor breaking the door down after seeing you through your window, then the ambulance ride, then the stomach pump.
When she wakes up in the uncomfortable bed it feels like someone has shoved a fire poker down her throat, she coughs and realises that she’s drained and dehydrated.
She can hear her brother near her, he’s on the phone.
“ The dumb cunt’s only gone and fucking killed herself.” he says into the phone.
“ What?”
“ No she’s not actually dead it’s an expression, she’s alive but she’s still out, Soph I thought we were past this.”
She should be offended by this, her own brother calling her that, but it isn’t the first time and in a way he is right, it’s all her fault, no one else's.
Technically she could blame her neighbour, for giving her the bottle which did her in, she could blame the cold that made her stay home from work, or even blame the television programmer for putting such boring ads.
But the neighbour didn’t know better, she had given it to her as a moving in present and she hadn’t thrown it or poured it down the sink.
She probably could have gone to work, sure her throat was sore and her nose was blocked but what was that compared to this.
Maybe if she had just adapted, gotten a netflix account, then she wouldn’t have been bored by those ads, those horrible monotonous ads.
As they are driving back from the hospital her brother tells her so many cliched things that she’s dangerously close to rolling her eyes or sighing.
She fights the urge though, cause that would make him explode, he’d call her a cunt, a drunk, a waste of space, time and energy, a waste of life and talent, and he’d be right.
These things he would say wouldn’t hurt her, she had accepted those long ago. She knew that he would feel bad though, he probably had never called another woman a cunt, she never saw him so full of rage. The reason she doesn’t sigh or roll her eyes, but only nods and looks sorrowful is because of him.
If he explodes, he will feel terrible, there will be the horribly awkward silence on the drive home then the few days of respite, before he calls her. He will cry on the telephone, tell her sorry, how sorry he is for hurting her and calling her names.
And even though she knows this is terrible, it’s non the less true that when she gets these phone calls she is bothered and annoyed.
She feels that he shouldn’t get to play both sides, call her a cunt then comfort her. She feels annoyed that he feels so obliged to her, she doesn’t want to let him down, but would rather do that then let him down, then let him apologize to her for it.
Kelly has gotten adept at sensing what face people are pulling on the phone. She can tell from people’s tone, the subtle shifts and lulls in their voices, the words emphasized, and the pauses.
When she first got out of rehab all the phone calls were outgoing, she would be reaching out to people to talk, to ‘ catch up’ as her mother used to say.
When ever the phone connected and she spoke there would be a pause, as if who she was calling had received a call from a ghost.
Then they give a hesitant hello, that rises up in tone at the end which tells you that it’s actually a question. Kelly knew her that at this point the person would be rolling their eyes, unsure how to feel.
And when you answer back hello the second hello is triumphant and soaring. A hello with an exclamation mark as if to compensate for the question. Their face would remain the same though,
The chat is so overbearingly happy that it annoys you, you almost want them to burst into tears and feel sorry for you, almost.
This overhappy response is precisely the second worse response someone could have to someone coming out of addiction.
But the feeling sorry for you is the worst, the one time this has happened to her confirmed it for her.
It had been Naomi, a friend from her public relations degree, bubbly Naomi, always too friendly, like an overeager dog that drools in your lap from excitement.
Naomi hadn’t burst into tears, she had felt sorry for her though.
“ Oh you poor petal.” She said.
At this point Kelly hung up the phone. There’s a thirty second delay and then the phone rings again, and it’s her, Naomi, the overeager dog wants to call back to drool more.
She grabs the phone, ripping it straight from the wall, and she smashes it against the wall, smashes it until chips of black plastic fly off.
She had slumped to the ground, black phone in hand.
As her brother drives her home, she remembers all of this, all the painful phone calls after rehab.
When they get inside Sophie is waiting for them. She’s a big woman, not fat, but she certainly takes up space, occupies a room.
When her brother first got together with her, she had wondered why. But one night when they had locked gazes she understood.
She had warm brown eyes, like a cow’s. Those eyes were always smiling, they would take you in and make you feel wanted.
When ever she looked into her sister in laws eyes she feels better, no matter how dire the situation. She feels loved. She just imagines what it’s like for her brother, getting to see those eyes all day and wake up next to them. This is why her brother loves this woman, he may have a hundred other reasons but she knows this is the true reason.
Sophie is dressed up, in a lovely brown dress which suits her figure well. She has a job interview. It reminds Kelly f the time when she vowed she would never drink again.
She was 21 years old, she and three colleagues Jane, Ruby and Alex had been out celebrating. They had just finished a campaign for breast cancer, and it was received well . They are all dressed in cocktail dresses, Kelly in a peach one.
They had just been profiled for a major magazine, under the headline ‘ The New Woman Of PR’. The four of them had stood looking fiercely into the camera, sophisticated and intelligent.
They were at an upscale cocktail bar. The bar had ridiculously sexual names for cocktails. Kelly remembers blushing slightly at the titles, but the other girls had ordered them confidently.
She was the least confident in the group… until she got some alcohol into her.
By the time she had had four glasses of something called a ‘Cocksucking cover girl’. A gaudy pink drink with a high alcohol content, she’s on a roll.
She would order more but the girls are hinting they want to leave, and she figures that she can drink at home anyway. As they leave the fancy bar, down a set of concrete steps, Kelly is in the front, rushing ahead laughing.
Her white heels crack on the last step and she trips, she lands roughly on her left hand. The pain blooming there is so intense she pukes. She sprays pink all over her peach cocktail dress. She rolls onto her back, and looks up at her friends.
As she realises that she has actually hurt herself ( it will later be diagnosed as a sprained ankle and a fractured wrist), she feels it. A stream of urine flows down her leg.
She is laying on the ground, in her own vomit,and now piss is streaming down her leg. She looks down between her legs then back up at her friends.
She sees the three of them there and she knows that she never wants to drink again, actually that’s not true. She knows that she never wants to be drunk again. Never wants another hangover or drunken stumble, never wants to be bent on her knees over a toilet and firing chunks into the bowl.
Alex, who is wearing bright neon yellow, laughs, and she points, actually points like a bully in a cartoon, she grabs her stomach. She's laughing so hard.
Ruby, adorned in a cocktail dress the same colour as a ‘ Cock sucking covergirl’ looks down at her and smirks. Ruby has always hated her, Kelly knew it and this proves it.
Jane is the worst. Jane is the only one who she thinks of as an actual friend, the only one that she will stay in contact with. Jane looks at her with a mix of pity and disgust.
It was after that that she went to rehab, and it was hard as hell, she never tries to tell people how hard it was, because it will sound cliche and self pitying but it was.
It was physically, psychologically and spiritually draining, she felt like she was broken down and built up again, several times. At times she thought of suicide, just to end the process. If she were dead she wouldn’t have to worry.
Rehab was terrible, but once it was done, about a year after, she felt content. Sure there was the awkwardness of phone calls, and the pitying looks she would get from people, but it was a piece of cake compared to the hell of rehab.
But as the years of rehab went by it faded. They often say that long term alcoholics forget how bad it was. She didn’t forget, she couldn’t. How do you forget the worst thing in your life?
So this is why as she is fearful when she is sitting on the couch with her brother and his lovely, cow-eyed wife.
In three seconds eleven years of hard work went down the toilet. As she was drinking the vodka down she didn’t once think of all the heartache it would cause.
This is why she feels a deep despair. Because even if she survives 11 years what’s to say that it won’t all happen again, in three seconds of blind craziness she will drink and be back at the beginning of the horrible cycle.
What if she makes it to twenty years? Twenty one years?
It’s the same really.
She is 99 percent sure she will never relapse, but then again before the boring TV ad and vodka fiasco she had been 99 percent sure. She will always be 99 percent sure.
You are always an addict, no one used to be an addict.
For the rest of her life the cars will keep coming, she will need to build the bridge and hope all the beams are there, but you never know and you never will.

Every single Unus Annus Video

Unus Annus, Cooking with Sex Toys, Purging Our Sins with a Neti Pot, Hot Dog'd to Death, Making Our Own Sensory Deprivation Tank, The Good Kind of Cupping, The Bad Kind of Cupping, The Worst Kind of Cupping, Ethan Will Be Kicked in the Balls, Doing Each Other's Makeup in the Dark, Baby Hands Operation, Mark and Ethan Summon a Ghost, 2 Truths and 1 Lie -- Waxing Edition, Poopsie Sparkly Critters (a slime surprise...), Play-Doh Thanksgiving, Helium Therapy, Drawing Memes from Memory, 1 Man 100 Accents, An A.I. Predicts How We're Going to Die, Mark Turns Ethan into a Mummy to Prepare Him for the Great Beyond, The Chubby Gummy Challenge, We Buy a Professional Hypnosis Video and React To It, Mark and Ethan Attempt an Escape Room, Ethan Destroys Mark's Van with a Bat, There's Still Hope..., Ethan Gives Mark a Viking Funeral, The Great Meat Mistake, Acupuncture Is NOT Painful, Floating in a Real Sensory Deprivation Tank, Mark Reviews The Impossible Burger But There's a Looming Sense of Impending Doom, We Made Nude Paintings of Eachother, You Made Beautiful Music for The Barrel... But Only One Could Win, We Had To Drink Each Other's Pee, Ethan Explores Mark's Haunted Basement, Giving Away Our 1,000,000 Subscriber Gold Play Button, Ethan's Relaxing and Totally Normal Nail Salon, Taped and Afraid, What Was The Most Painful Thing We've Ever Endured?, Donating Toys to Charity w/ JackSepticEye, Harnessing Our Dogs' Unlimited Energy, Santa's Mukbang (Drinking 1 Gallon of Eggnog), Forcibly Turning Mark Into Santa Claus Against His Will, Preserving Ourselves In Wax, Beating Inanimate Objects to Death, Emotional Pain vs Physical Pain... Which is Worse?, Duct Tape Crucifixion (Amy, Please Don't Watch This Video), You Blink You Lose, 2 Grown Men Attempt the Presidential Fitness Test, We Took The Polar Plunge, Hiding Our Sins from Amy's Holy Peepers, We Eat Bugs, DIY Bungee Jump (please don't try this), We Have The BEST Thumbnails on YouTube and No One Can Tell Us Otherwise, Who Can Make Themselves Taller?, The Sensory Overload Tank, Recreating Ourselves as a Cursed Mannequin, We Took an IQ Test, Ethan Finally Becomes a MAN, Mark and Ethan Go Casket Shopping, We Take a Lie Detector Test to Uncover Our Darkest Sins, Learning to Breathe Underwater, Fixing Mark's Hole with Ramen but Every Time We Add Glue We Get 5% Closer to God, Mark Steals Ethan's Face, You Breathe You Die, 2 Absolute Beginners Experience the Dancing Glory that is Salsa, DIY Geriatric Simulator, This Is How We'll Die..., We Cryogenically Freeze Ourselves, This is What Being Tased Feels Like, What Happens When A Youtube Channel Dies?, Bad Bad Beans, We Hired a Real Hypnotherapist to Analyze Our Darkest Dreams, We Turned Our Bodies Into Art, Mark and Ethan Learn About The Human Body, Mark Punishes Ethan, Strange (and legal) Things You Can Do With Your Body After Death, DIY Cheese, Hacking The Very Fabric of the Universe, Looking at Long Lost Memes, Discovering the Secret to Eternal Life, Turning Mark Into an E-Boy, Ethan Redefines Male Beauty, Professional Fire Cupping (Going Even Further Beyond), An Extremely Sour, Not-at-all Sour Meal, Literally Eating Fire, Unregulated Axe Throwing, Literally Laying On Literal Broken Glass, Making an Indoor Tornado to Flex on Mother Nature, Nutball: The Most Dangerous Game, Becoming a Master of Mime, Discussing the Idea of Murdering Each Other but It's Just a Joke and Definitely Not Serious Haha, Are We Already Dead?, Our Perfect (and last) Valentine's Day, Drunk College Party Simulator, 10 Strange Amazon Products Ethan Bought Mark Because He Doesn't Know How to Spend Money Responsibly, Chickens Teach Us About Life and Death, 3 Big Boys Attempt the King's Royal Fitness Test, Being Attacked by a Fully Trained Bodyguard Dog, Learning the Ancient Art of Chinese Archery, The Ultimate Trolley Problem, Goat Yoga, Edible Slime was a Mistake., Granting Access Into Heaven's Sweet Gates, Long Hair, Do We Dare?, We Wrote a Hit Pop Song in 30 Minutes, Mark and Ethan Go on a "Drum Date", Blowing Our Souls Into Some Hot Glass, Top 10 Worst Things Your Friend Could Possibly Spend Their Money On, Nutball Extreme: Taser Edition, REAL Ghost Hunting at an Abandoned Zoo, We Bought a Camera That Can Look Inside Us, Becoming the World's Greatest DJs, Who Can Teach Their Dog a Trick the Fastest?, Middle School Science Experiment Teaches Us About Life and Death, DIY Chiropractor, Mark and Ethan Get Into a Fight, The Barrel, We Got Pepper Sprayed, We Give Each Other Tattoos Blindfolded, What Does Astrology Say About Our Friendship?, Mark and Ethan Get a Full Body Scan to See What Secrets Lay Hidden Within (and learn their body fat), Mark Needs To Rub Ethan and Only His Mom Can Help Him, 2 Idiots Get Crushed by 18-Foot Giant Snakes, Beer Sauna: Turning a Portable Sauna into a Portable Hell, Mark and Ethan Hunt The World's Most Wanted Criminals, Unus Annus Carves the Roast Beast, 5 Weird Apps That Predicted Our Death, We Tried a Labor Pain Simulator, Recreating the Miracle of Childbirth, Mark and Ethan Are Now Fathers, We Force James Charles to Run a Military Obstacle Course, Desperately Trying To Not Touch Our Faces, Reddit 50/50: Two Player Edition, Going on an Internet Scavenger Hunt, Having an Adventure In VR Chat Because We Can't Go Outside, Amazon Shopping for the Apocalypse, Whom Would Eat Whomst First in a Zombie Apocalypse?, Ultimate YouTuber Boxing Showdown, The Deep End of Omegle: Risky Boogaloo, Where in the World is Unus Annus?, Mark Builds a Pillow Fort for the Very First Time, Mark's 1 Weird Talent Leaves Ethan Absolutely Speechless, Wikifeet: A Tale of 2 Tootsies, We Made Every YouTuber Battle in the Hunger Games, We Google Each Other to Find Our Darkest Forgotten Sins, We Played Mad Libs And Ran It Through Google Translate, Mark and Ethan Desperately Try and Name a Single State in the USA, Speed Reading 1000+ WPM to Gain a Complete Understanding of All Human Knowledge, What is the Least Viewed Video on YouTube?, We Found Websites That The World Forgot About, The Scariest True Stories on the Internet, How to NOT be the Perfect Boyfriend, Mark and Ethan Find The Lost City of El Dorado, Mark and Ethan Bet Everything on a Wikipedia Race, The Creepiest Videos on Youtube, Help Us Break a YouTube World Record, 2 Men 200 Accents, The Illuminati... Do They Really Exist?, Finding The Lost City of Atlantis, Reading YOUR Scariest True Stories, Mark and Ethan Take a Personality Test, Will AI Soon Take Over Humanity As We Know It?, Running Internet Drama through Google Translate, The Secret Unus Annus No-Touchy-Touchy Hand Shake, Two Male Men Judge Female Women on Their Beauty, Bored? Press This Button., Don't Go in the Ocean... Ever., We Explore the Most MYSTERIOUS Mysteries of our Wildy Mysterious Mystery Moon of Mysteries, We Looked at Unus Annus Memes, Is Mark a Masochist?, What the Hell is a Pink Trombone?, Professional Fetish Scientists Rank the Best/Worst Fetishes of 2020, Mark and Ethan Desperately Attempt to Feel Something, An A.I. Generates Our Worst Nightmare, Are Reptilian Humanoids Living Among us?, Like It or Not... This is What The New Human Looks Like, Eating Only Onions for 24 Hours: How Many Onions Does it Take to Kill a Man?, Unus Annus ASMR, We Attempted to Create THICC Water, Making Our Own Gravestones to Prepare For Our Inevitable Demise, How Tall Can A Human Get?: An Impartial Review by 2 Average Height Men, Mark Teaches Ethan Korean, Bigfoot is Real and It Ate My Friend, The End of Unus Annus is Almost Here..., We Explore the Unus Annus Subreddit for Your Delicious Memes, How Big Can a Nuke Get?, How Much Caffeine Does It Take to Kill a Man?, Drinking Real THICC Water... How Bad Does It Taste?, We Played Strip Poker, Harnessing Our Yodeling Power to End The World As We Know It, Mark Cooks Blindfolded While Ethan Guides Him Through FaceTime, We Play the Newlywed Game While Consuming That Which Will Kill the Other, DIY Boob, We Have the Best Bellies on Youtube, The Unus Annus Confessional Booth, DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2080, Only UNUS-es May Watch This Video, Only ANNUS-es May Watch This Video, Only Watch from 2:15 to 6:11 - Do Not Watch Any Other Part of This Video, DIY Wine, Tearing a Phone Book in Half with Our Huge Manly Muscles, 2 Complete Amateurs Enter a Body Building Competition, BLACK LIVES MATTER, Crushing Watermelons Betwixt Our Mighty Thighs, Morphing Our Bodies Into Superhero Poses, Reacting to Your Hilarious Green Screen Memes, Mark Teaches Ethan to Read with Hooked on Phonics, Ethan Roasts Mark for 15 Minutes Straight, There's Something Horribly Wrong with This Picture..., Attempting to Build IKEA Furniture Without Instructions, Mark and Ethan Become United States Citizens, We Made Fanart for Each Other, Our Fans Try to Scare Us with Their Homemade Creepypasta, Recreating Childhood Photos, Will We Break the Boards... Or Will They Break Us?, Finding the Most Cursed Image on the Internet, Learning to Cry on Command to Increase Our YouTube Views, Pee Sauna, Building IKEA's Hardest Piece of Furniture Without Instructions is Impossible, Becoming One With the Horse, The Ultimate Paper Airplane Showdown, Creating Mark FISHbach, Learning How to Lock Pick (FBI Please Don't Watch), The Most Dangerous Shave, Ethan Traps Mark's Soul in the Palm of his Hand, Bear Trapping 101: An Elegant Knot For An Elegant Beast, 2 Men In a Trench Coat Teach You How to Save Money at the Movies, Building the World's First IKEA Boat, Ethan Teaches Mark How to Swim, 10 Miracle Products to Give YOU the Thiccest Jaw on Planet Earth, 2 Dirty Boys Wash Their Filthy Mouths Out With Soap, Mark is Guilty. Ethan Has the Proof., Recreating Mark's Childhood, We Put an Apple Watch in a Rock Tumbler, Dummy THICC for Dummies - A Tale of 2 Butts - Pushing Our Butts Even Further Beyond, Reverse Engineering a Kite to Steal the Idea of Electricity From Benjamin Franklin, The Candy Bra Challenge, Mark and Ethan Look at a Puppy for 10 Minutes, Unus Annus Try Pole Dancing, This Is Hiding On Your Body RIGHT NOW., Tasting Weird Food Combos: Pickles and Chocolate? Ice Cream and Soy Sauce?, The Unus Annus Space Program, The Egg Smashing Game, Can You Bake a Cookie from Cookie Dough Ice Cream?, Bleachus Annus, Dunking Oreos In Literally Anything But Milk, Preparing a 5-Star Meal for Our Youtube Famous Dogs, DIY Teeth, How to Escape from a Hostage Situation, Does This Magnetic Skincare Routine Really Work?, Diy Bed of Nails : Oh God, Please Don't Ever Try This, The Human Mop, Can Sound Therapy Heal All Wounds?, This Is The Most Dangerous Children's Toy Ever Made, Would Chica Save Us From Drowning?, We Do It Better Than Icarus Ever Could, The Beginning of The End, The Annual Unus Annus Dunk Contest, Ultimate Horseshoes, A Serious Conversation Under the Stars, Recharging Our Phones Using Only Brute Strength, 5 Products to Grow Your Patchy Beard, Mark Teaches Ethan How to Play the Trumpet, Playing Cards: The World's Deadliest Weapon, We Lubed Our Floor for a Sliding Competition, Breaking Glass With Our Screams, This Is Goodbye, Mark and Ethan Share a Drink, The Wubble, Mark and Ethan Shave Chica, DO NOT TRY THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, Judging Your Terrible Unus Annus Ideas, Hydro Dipping A Baby, Popping Popcorn with a High-Powered Laser, Puberty Simulator, Grip Strength Test: Loser Becomes the Winner's Butler for a Day, Momiplier Teaches Self-Defense, Transforming Mark into the 8th Wonder of the World, Playing Children's Games in Total Darkness, We're Better Than Dogs, The Koala Challenge: TikTok's Intimate Couple's Trend, 1 Gallon of Jello Nearly Broke Us, Too Many Pickles, Pitching a Tent in the Woods But There's a Bear 15 Feet Away, How to Rescue a Cat from a Tree, A Bear Attacked Us in the Middle of the Night, How to Safely Bury Your Friend, Team Building for 2: Trust Fall, Tug-of-War, and More!, How to Start a Fire (except don't...), Mark's Outdoor Escape Room, Hunting HeeHoo, Was 2020 a Bad Year for Unus Annus?, Mark Gives Ethan a HOT (stone) Massage, We Smell Every Smell, How Many Slaps Does It Take to Cook a Chicken?, 2 Boys 2 Poops, Mark Teaches Ethan How to March in a Marching Band, We Finally Drank Our DIY Wine, 2 Adults Take a 4th Grade Math Test, Making Snow Cones With Literally Anything But Normal Flavors, We Attempt Pottery Without Amy's Help, Can Plants Feel Pain?, How Far Can We Chuck a 16lbs Rock?, We Pierced Each Other's Ears, We Ate Dog Treats So You Don't Have To, We Accidentally Made an SCP While Amy Was Away, BEYBLADE NUTBALL, Making the Ultimate Unus Annus Burger, Making Soda With Literally Anything But Soda, Pee Soda, Learning to Use The Force, Brick Soccer, We Attempt to Make Holy Water, Amy Sent Us a Mystery Box, Mark Knows What Ethan Did..., This Video Will Never Make Sense, We Attempt to Make UNHOLY Water, We Will Churn Thy Butter, Ethan Teaches Mark Gymnastics, The Great Ice Cream Cake Race, Mark Teaches Ethan to Wrestle, Ethan Watches as Mark Achieves the Impossible, Consuming the World's Hottest Chip, This Video Went Completely Out of Control, The 1000 High Five Challenge, Bobbing For Apples But the Water Keeps Getting Thiccer, Mark Breaks His Nose On An Aerial Hoop, Mark and Ethan Milk a Goat, Shooting Archery ON A HORSE, DIY Minesweeper, Literally Finding a Needle in a Haystack, Drawing on Each Other's Backs in Total Darkness, This is For FUN and NOT a Fetish, Mark Conquers His Fear of Night Swimming, The Painful World of Aerial Silks, We Bought Every Grinch Costume on Ebay, Pumpkin Taste Tier List, Learn to Jump Higher in 16 Minutes and 16 Seconds, Bobbing For Literally Anything But Apples, This Video is Completely Unedited, Momiplier Tells Us True Scary Stories from Korea, Pumpkin Spice "Challenge", Mark and Ethan Build a Scarecrow, Pressure Washing Our Sins Away, We Force Mark to Swim in the Ocean: His Greatest Fear, Fighting Fish to the Death in the Deep Blue Sea, Cryptid Olympics, Phasmophobia in Real Life, Edward Pumpkin Hands, Blood Bath, The Unus Annus Annual Costume Contest, Ethan Turns Mark into a Werewolf, Ethan Kidnapped Mark, The Truth of Unus Annus, Accepting the Truth, The Unus Annus Last Supper, Being Brutally Honest with Each Other, Recreating Every Single Unus Annus Video, All Our Video Ideas That Never Happened, Who's Cutting Onions In Here???, The 1st Annual Unus Annus Roast, God's Fitness Test, Saying Goodbye to All Our Guests, Everything's Legal If You're Dead, 7 Minutes in Heaven 7 Minutes in Hell, The Unus Annus Annual Sleepover, Goodbye.

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